Four steps over the edge

[PirateWench]

((I'm a woman and so hence the following offensive sarcasm about our wily ways))



It was, Frall thought, rather fitting that an incredibly gender biased fellowship such as themselves had been captured by a legion of tall, busty females. Fitting and yet horribly reminiscent of his early childhood when his drunken father used to take him to the nearest swimming pool and force him to try and unhook unfortunate women's bikinis.

Frall shuddered at the memory and turned around only to come nose to nose with Oedipus.

"How," growled the lanky New Yorker, "Are you planning to get us outta here?"

"We shall have to battle our way out! Although they outweigh our numbers we can battle them with our dazzling charm! Women can't resist charm, you know!" he said tapping his oversized nose.

Oedipus raised an eyebrow but said nothing, instead he leant back as gracefully as one who was being dragged along a rocky surface in a net could and gestured widely, inviting Frall to give it his best shot.

Frall sniffed at the cynical man in front of him and took a deep breath, he'd prove that lanky circus freak wrong! What did he know about women anyway? He spent his spare time with elephants and acrobats.

Frall cleared his throat, but just as he was about to dazzle the young female's with his masculine charm the net came to a sudden halt. He faltered and shot Oedipus a anxious look, Carl soiled himself quietly.

"Right." came the cool voice of the Ambassador, "Get out, we're now going to tie you to these stakes and dance around you erotically."

The three companions exchanged worried glances as several muscular women hauled each one of them onto large wooden stakes painted in coral pink, and tied each man securely to their own post.

"Remove their shirts!" cried the Ambassador.

"Are you really an Ambassador?" Asked Oedipus, "Because I see little Ammbassading going on!"

The women ignored him and proceeded to remove the men's upper clothing, exposing Frall's pale midrif, Oedipus's skeletal like frame and Carl's flabby midsection. The females shook their heads sadly, obviously unimpressed.

"Frall!" hissed Oedipus, "Do something." He glanced down nervously at the large fire the women were attempting to light.

"Uh...."

Carl squealed like a stuck pig as a herd of tiny, well dressed Chihuahuas walked past.

"Uh..."

Oedipus began to tremble at the women began applying frightening amounts of eyeliner and lipstick to their faces and complaining about their fat thighs.

Frall did not like the smell of this...FWOOSH, the fire was now alive with dancing flames.

"Uh..." he stammered, "Uh...."

Oedipus stared at him desperately. "Frall, just say anything! They're women, how hard can it be?!"

"OF COURSE THEY LOOK REAL!" bellowed Frall in blind panic.

[Battlewalrus]

Thadron was a very heroic man.

He was handsome, strong, intelligent and had lots of charm and initiative.
This story would be much better if it was about him and his vastly superior band of heroes lots of people would read this thread I'm sure.
Thadron and his group had been tracking the all-female tribe of cannibals for several weeks and were preparing to fight them.
Sadly all the heroics in the world cannot save you when a gang of pirates and one over weight blue Muppet fall on you.

This, regrettably, is exactly what happened.

Addman groaned with disgust as he wiped Thadron's various organs off himself. It seems that his piratical friends, even with the red rage of Henry so close, looked shocked and unhappy about the turn of events and stood up hurriedly wiping hero off of themselves. Addman cursed and wished for once than when he fell he didn't have to land on someone and turn them to mush, goo would be nice for once.

Sighing deeply he looked around him and tried to get his bearings. In the distance he could hear the hitting of primitive drums and the shaking of tribal instruments. Deciding that he had nothing better to do, Addman treked off towards it, the pirates following suite.

*******

All eyes turned to Frall.

This, of course was typical, a man's first instinct was always to mention the size of their boobs. For once, they collectively wished, their victims could comment on how their eyes were beautiful, of that they had well proportioned noses, or the good work they had done on styling their tents with so little.

It was true this ones comment was better than most, agreeing that their breasts did in fact look real. It was a darn site better than the man who asked 'How much toilet paper do you lot use to get them that big!' That had been in fact the first time they had cannibalised something.

But regardless, the comment had still been about their breasts, but perhaps another chance was in order.

" And, how do my eyes look?" asked Thug Thug Brainchomper
"Positively sparkling!" said Frall
" Does this goat skin tunic make my butt look big?" roared Klinda Eyegouger
" of course not, it looks great on you!"
" Is my nose well-proportioned?" Exclaimed Freeda Noseripper
" I've never seen better!"
Frall grinned he was getting the hang of it...
" Better than mine?"
" Or Mine?"
" Better than my nose?!"
"I thought my nose was my best feature!"

And as quickly as that, Frall had ruined their only hope, he cursed himself, he cursed everything (especially that git Oedipus) and he cursed the fire, slowly getting higher and higher...

Suddenly A waddling mass of blue fur stumbled into the village, followed by a small group of bewildered pirates.

The pirates looked at the cannibals
The cannibals looked at the pirates

It was chemical, it was love at first site!

" Yar be these wenches real? Thar eyes be more shining than the shiniest of booty!"

" Are these men real? Their grizzled bad-boy appearance with a soft sensitive core is so very attractive..."

Carl looked away, he may be a grown man but had these people no shame?!

[addman]

Despite his best flexing and pouting, the cannibalistic women all shoved their way past Addman towards the grizzled pirates. Even the pirate with wooden legs, arms, torso, and head managed to pair up with a rather beautiful lady. Addman winced as he imagined the splinters that she'd receive.

Moments later, the muppet found himself without a partner amidst a field of writhing bodies, grinding together and emitting a cacophony of sexual ecstasy. Dismayed that he had been left on the sidelines for such an event, Addman tried to brush the whole incident off.

"Fine! I didn't want to get off today anyway! I had LOADS yesterday, and I'm still tired from that!" He convinced himself as he stepped over a pair of lovers rolling around in the dirt.

Oedipus began straining against his restraints (as was customary when captured) and trying to get that freaky blue puppet's attention.

"Hey! Over here! Untie us!"

Addman looked up. Three men appeared to be attached to large pink stakes. He assumed they were part of some homosexual rights rally, campaigning for equal rights or something. He wasn't sure what the raging fire underneath them was supposed to symbolise, but if these homosexuals wanted to burn themselves alive in protest, who was he to stop them? To try and disrupt it would be homophobic.

"Yeah! Fight the power, guys!" He shouted in support, thrusting his clenched fist into the air, he then began to walk in the opposite direction.

"Hey! HEY! Come back! Frall, say something!" Oedipus turned to Frall, only to see him watching the sexy events in front of him. One particular couple had caught his attention as they has somehow found the time to dress as Shakespearian characters before doing the dirty, and Frall had a deep desire for Shakespeare-related frolicking.

"Frall!"

"Oh sorry..." Realised Frall, sucking up a lengthy strand of drool that had found its way out of his mouth. "Save us! Please!"

Hearing this final plea, Addman turned back. These guys were desperate for his help. Wondering how much they were willing to pay for it, he wandered back over to the stakes.

"How much is it worth?"

[Battlewalrus]

The Disguisting blob of blue fur, and it was disgusting in Carl's opinion, looked at them as much as one could when your eyes are googly and your retinas roll about everywhere as a consequence.

They were sunk of course, they had no money, that scary old man with the long silky beard had left them skint and so they were doomed, was this the end of-

"WAIT!" yelled Oedipus completely unessecarly other than the fact it was dramatic

" We have money! Loooaaaaadssss of it, tons! Gallons! Spluktorikan billions!"

" No we do-" said Carl before Oedipus shot him a look of complete hatred and fury

Addman's interest was perked after all he did love money, especially when it was in Spluktorikan billions

" And where is this money" chirped the Muppet

" Oh..." said Oedipus, his excellent 'plan' running out of steam "it's errmm..."

" Somewhere over the western mountains, across the lake of putrid evil detrius, into the forest of not very nice ghosts! That's where our money is" Carl screamed, so loudly that the Pirates and Cannibals looked up momentarily before resuming their X rated revelry.

" That's an awfully long way to go.. but i do love money....fine"

The heroes cheered as Addman untied them, though how he did it without setting fire to himself would take a while to explain and I'm tired so screw you.

They walked awkwardly amongst the writhing bodies of pirates and cannibals, picking up useful junk that had been discarded as the lust of the two groups caused them to hurl any possessions on them away, amongst many tribal undergarments and pantaloons the small group came across a compass, some food and drink and other useful items that may randomly surface as plot devices. After looting the camp of anything of use (including 40 gold pieces and a button) they walked slowly southward, the noise of the pirates and cannibals ringing in their ears

desperate to break the awkward silence and establish himself as a laid-back open minded sort of person Addman tried to spark a conversation with Frall

"So... you guys are gay? I'm totally okay with that... right on and stuff..."

[Fort]

Frall gave the muppet a raised eyebrow. Unfortunetly for the muppet - unlike the desert of beyond the wall - sexual experimentation here wasn't in high supply. It wasn't that it was frowned upon, but rather it hadn't been discovered, the group's barbaric ancestors had in fact found that if you had that part of the body out in the cold northen winds for too long it froze off, which was an unpleasent experiance for everyone involved. Even with the advent of brothel's and heated fires the ancestral imprint remained, leaving the northern waste's prostitues the most ill-equiped and poorly trained in all the multiverse.
Carl - on the other hand - back in his old life, often wished he was gay so he had an excuse to leave his wife. Sadly his wife - knowing Carl's fear of nudity to the point their marrige was never consumated - called him out to prove it. The very idea shocked him so much he had to hit himself in the face with a hot iron to set his mind straight. His wife helped.

It should be worth mentioning that since the pirates and barabarians were indeed naked in the north - in the open air - they should have died; but they didn't they went on for hours and hours, making everyone else increadibly jeleous. That was off course, till the cold sweat kicked in. The only survivor was Three "PEG" Legged Jack, but only with the price of his buttocks. In many respects this proves there is a Karma, a Karma that cleary doesn't get enough.

"Gay?" asked Frall, furrowing his brow, "I guess I am...happy?"
Addman decided not to press further, he didn't know what the kids called it nowadays (they call it GOOG-OG-JIGGLY) and wasn't prepared to find out, "so, when do I get my money?" he asked, wishing for it to be described in an almost perverse detail.

Just then they all fell down a cliff - except Carl. Carl instead looked over nervously. Just then the moans of carnal lovemaking were carried on the wind, and he threw himself down after them in a hurried fashion.

[Battlewalrus]

The Lone survivor of Thadron's party sat, sadly on a rock.

If he hadn't gone to have a whiz, he'd be as dead as his beloved friends, who were very dead indeed. Who could this happen? He the Archer with his razor sharp senses should have been able-

*SPLAT*

and so Thadron's final surviving part member met a very similar end to his comrades as Carl, Frall, Oedipus and Addman landed on him.

"ewwwww" said Addman as he wiped goo off himself for the second time that day. He stood up as his indebted companions struggled to their feet groaning.

" Welcome to Brockton East " a nearby sign exclaimed.

Addman had only just read it when an old man burst from the bushes. He had crazy hair that stuck out at odd angles and was dressed in rags.

" Who goes there, Westerners?!" wheezed the old coot.

" No, just me and these buffoons," said Addman manner of factly.

" How do I know your not Western spies? Those westerners are tricky, wily as foxes they are, always sneaking, never willing to fight like a man!"

" I swear to you we're not Westerners we are hero-" began Frall before the old man interrupted him.

" I think I'll take you to King Mydwise, just in case."

And so he did.

Mydwise was on top of a make shift palisade on the Eastern side of a small wooden bridge, no more than 3 meters across. With him were three or four peasants armed with pitchforks and other sharp farming implements. On the other side of the bridge there was another palisade, with an equal amount of peasants, with equally sharp implements, both groups faced each other, peering over the tops of their flimsy walls.

King Mydwise The Bold of Brockton East was a balding overweight man in his early forties, wearing an obsurdly ornate helmet and suit of armour that clinked loudly whenever he as much as wiggled a toe.

"General Kroot? Who are these men? Westerners?" he said in a weedy voice.

"No my Eastness they claim to be travelers, passing through."

"Don't they know there is a war going on? A war against the Western menace!"

The Easterners gave a half-hearted cheer and waved their implements around.

" Excuse me...your Eastness... but who are these Westerners..? And why do you fight them?" asked Oedipus.

" HAHA!" laughed Mydwise, "The Westerners are the inhabitants of the foul village of Brockton West, we have been at war with them for hundreds of years!"

"Why?"

"....because they are Westerners!"

Oedipus realised he wouldn't get a decent explanation from Mydwise, so he simply fumed quietly.

" King Mydwise," said Frall, "can we cross this bridge please? We need to travel over the Western mountains-"

" Why travel West when you can travel East?! Regardless, you can't cross the bridge so long as that villain Wydmise controls the other side of this bridge!"

Wydmise himself was peeking over his flimsy palisade wearing an absurd hat, patiently waiting for his foe to finish talking before saying anything rude. However when Mydwise had finished talking a cry went up from the Westerners and all knew the battle had begun!

Battles fought by Brocktonians showed why their war had lasted 100 years.

Wars in Brockton were fought with words, and as the combatants stood bravely hurling insults about the other sides mothers, and brought into question the profession of their enemie's sistes. Frall sat their, bored, was this the end of their journey? Had they come all this way only to be halted by these morons?

"Mydwise!" called Oedipus, Mydwise spun around and hopped down from the poorly-built wall with a thump.

"I'm in battle here man, can't you see I'm trying to fight!?"

" But my lord!" said Oedipus in a very theatrical manner " These Western scum ignore your clever insults, this war will last forever unless you take action!"

" By god you're right!" shouted Mydwise, "Onwards men, its time this war ended!"

The battle didn't last every long. Soon enough all the warriors of both East and West lay in a bloody heap on the bridge.

" Well I guess that solves that problem," chirped Oedipus merrily.

[addman]

"Yo mommas so fat that her belt size is Equator!"

Oedipus looked at the muppet who had decided to battle him with words for no particular reason.

"Look muppet, we'd better get going."

"Yo mommas so ugly, when she was born, she had to have tinted windows on her incubator!"

"Why are you battling me?"

"Just lay down and play dead..." Frall whispered in Oedipus's ear "It'll be quicker..."

Theatrically, Oedipus collapsed in a heap on the floor, declaring that Addman's razor sharp wit had ruptured his Fallopian Tubes, and laid dead with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The muppet stood looking pleased with himself for a few moments, before swiftly checking his victim's pockets for anything of value. After finding a rather fetching piece of pure lint, two chocolate coins, and a pair of ladies panties, Addman carried on his merry way, with Oedipus standing up moment after and following him in quiet contempt.

After taking a grand total of four steps, the group found themselves halted yet again. This time, it was the mountain of fresh corpses piled higher than any of them cared to leap or climb over.

"So how do we get round this?" Oedipus queried.

"We could eat our way through." Stated Carl, uncharacteristically.

"That's horrible." Said Oedipus.

"I don't think there's another way."

The others turned and looked at Carl in disgust, except for Addman who was concentrating hard on his lint. He was sure he could make out a startling resemblance to the face of Pope Gregory IX and that intrigued him, as everyone knows that Pope Gregory IX was a notorious collector of lint. Legend has it that he collected so much lint, that his wife had dress up as a piece of lint just to get him to look at her. But what was even more interesting than the lint, was the fact that there used to be a Pope who was married, with two kids, a mortgage on a three bedroomed semi, and a Vauxhall Nova as his choice of family car. There were some heathens who, at the time, claimed that Pope Gregory IX wasn't a Pope at all, but a crazy man with a rather large hat who claimed to be a religious leader for tax reasons and to recieve funding from the church to put towards his large hat business. Those heathens often inexplicably turned up as charred corpses in the Pope's back garden. But on the subject of corpses, the group were rather disgusted with Carl's notion that they should tuck in to the decaying flesh laid out before them.

"Wait, don't you have some sort of fear against corpses?" Asked Frall.

"Surprisingly not. Corpses are probably the only thing I'm not scared of."

"So what if you saw a corpse of something you were scared of? Like a bear, a dragon, or a woman?"

"No, the whistful melancholy of the recently departed I find to be rather relaxing." Carl explained. It was only at that moment that the group realised that Carl wore black eyeliner and had a silly haircut that covered half of his face ((Hope you don't mind me taking a few liberties with Carl )).

"But surely there's another way!"

"I don't think so..." Said Carl with a hint of regret in his voice. "Consider this as my heroic moment. The part where I take one for the team and do what needs to be done..."

At that moment, Carl approached the corpses and began to...well...you probably don't want to know. The others turned away in disgust and started cramming their fingers, rocks and anything they could find into their ears to drown out the deplorable squishy slurping noises Carl made as he tucked into his banquet. Even Addman felt a bit queasy.

"Hold on, there's another bridge!" Shouted Oedipus. "C'mon! This one's clear of corpses!"

Carl looked up with a piece of intestine hanging out of his mouth.

"Bashtard!" He tried to shout with his mouth full of guts and entrails, spat it all out, then followed the others across the bridge.

[Fort]

Of all the points on the compass, North, South, Pepermint and Leftyways: East and West were indeed the most defunct and silliest. East and West were destroyed by the Great King Winzle the Abstract, replaced with two new slightly offset bendy points.

Brockton's strange wars and traditions began over wondering who was on what side they were actually on, they couldn't trust their current compasses, and the sun was pretty damn stupid when it came to rising and setting. Brockton espesically was noted for having the world's silliest sunrise, where the orb of fire will go up, down, in a small spiral, and then peeter out rather forlornly. The argument started with wondering who the devil was leftyways, and ended with prostitue insults. Such is life.


"I think the bridge is safe to cross," Frall quipped in helpfully, stepping carefully over a dismembered limb, but finding he had stood in a face instead.
"If they never died, I'm sure we could have used them as Clowns," Oedipus added, "it's always so hard to find Clowns where there ain't no Clown College."

Carl didn't need much of a reason, he pee'd himself then and there.

"Water!" Mydwise croaked out, "Water, please! I am injured dear fellows! For the eastern cause!"

"No! ME! Join the west!" Wydmise shouted.

The Eastern and Western lords sat beside each other, their swords sticking through each other in a twisted display of synchronized killing.

The group stood there for some time, staring at the lords, wondering whose side they should stand on.

"You're not even stabbed, it's going under your arm," Frall said.

"Ahh."

"Well...yes.

"Hahahaha, so silly of us."

****

Phil's castle was coming along nicely.

Too nicely.

"Wait a minute," he quippied, "what's with the floral patterns?"

"It was your request, Lord." his elite whispered from his cowel.

"That's right...yes, yes it was," Phil began, confused, he wanted Floral patterns to take the eye away from the slime and the bones, yet...now he hated it, he needed more bones, more slime, more pointy bits.

Phil was indeed having an identity crisis. His evil castle of evil, evil minions of evil, and goodly scared villagers (of evil) had given him a new perspective on life and its bounty.
Yet there was this niggling voice at the back of his head that said this was wrong, that said that a Gallows was inherently wrong to go with the garden gnomes.

He didn't know it, but Phil was slowly becomming more astute to the influence of these monsters who called him master.

"PHIL! THE ROBINSONS ARE CUTTING DOWN OUR ROSE BUSH!" screamed Phil's now-dark-queen.

"It's not a rose bush, it's a bush of innocent brains!" shouted Phil back, then was shocked at what he said.

"TELL THEM TO STOP IT OR WE'LL SET THE DOGS ON THEM, AND AFTER REMEMBER TO FEED 'EM."

"They're my horde, Maureen. MY HORDE!" Phil shouted back, agitated at how his wife was correct yet again at their dietry needs. They'd be ravenous.

Suddnely a wicked idea entered his head as he looked out his window, to see Mr. Robinson - Mr. Like-my-new-satelite-TV-you-can-never-afford - trimming the rose bushes in his floral blue shirt and sandals.

A lot of fat on him.

Succulant.

On a spit.

Phil immediately stopped this train of thought, it wasn't healthy. It was positively EVIL! Yet, two birds, one stone...