Parlez vous Francais?: Markus DeVane comes to the Dojo.

[Kazumaru]

Markus DeVane, a twenty-something man working as a journalist reporter for Reuters, jogged down the Cardiff streets, heading for his latest scoop- Something about an explosion at some building. Probably a bombing. Along the way, he stopped quickly to rest in a park gazebo.

This was his first mistake.

His second was reading aloud the words carved into the roof.

"Klaatu... Barado... Nikto...?"

His third was realising he'd messed up, and attempting again.

"Klaatu Barada Nikto?"

Half a second later, the man in a fancy suit disappeared.

Half a second after that, he reappeared in an entirely unfamiliar location. Dark, overcast skies, bars, wrecked cars. "Dieu d'oh..." he whispered. "Je suis... dans... NEW JERSEY!" he shouted the last two words, emphasizing his dismay at apparently being in New Jersey

Markus looked around, panicked. He walked up to a mundane Russian man, attempting to ask where he was, ferverently hoping he was not, in fact, in New Jersey. "Excusez-moi monsieur, d'où sur terre suis je?"

The Russian looked at him strangely, then kept walking. He tried again, in Russian. "Извините меня господин, где на земле будьте мной?"

The man looked at him strangely again, then kept walking. "Maudit! der Scheiße! Chùsheng!" Markus cursed.

Markus stumbled along for about half an hour before he found someone who understood one of the languages he spoke- For some irritatingly stupid reason, everyone around here seemed to speak either English or some sort of low gothic language. He was, unfortunately, able to understand spoken and written English perfectly fine, but entirely incapable of speaking or writing it. "Monsieur! Savez-vous où je suis?" Mark said.

"Why, you're in Dojopolis." the old man said, before realizing that he'd responded in English and re-attempting in horribly mangled French.

"En priant votre pardon, mais moi n'ayez pas un indice ce que vous avez juste essayé de dire en français- je comprenez votre amende anglaise, cependant."

"Oh, well that's good." the old man said, scratching at his white hair with his hands. This was the only clear outward indication that he was old, aside from a few wrinkles. "I take it you're not around from here, sonny?"

Markus shook his head. "Non, je suis de Cardiff!"

"... Where's Cardiff?"

Markus was dumbstruck. How could someone not know of Cardiff? "Il est... Il est au Pays de Gales."

"Where's Pays de Gales?"

"Europe!"

"Europe?" The old man scratched his chin. "I've never heard of such a place. Maybe the Gods have been messing with you, sonny."

"Il y a mais un Dieu, hérétique!" Markus shouted.

"One god? Right, keep telling yourself that, sonny boy."

"Tabernac..." Markus muttered. "Hérétique, où être le proche gouvernement bureau?"

"I don't know what it's like where you're from, but it's not nice to call people heretics right before asking favours..."

Markus sighed. "Pouvez-vous svp me dire où je peux trouver une certaine manière de nouveau à Cardiff?"

"Go to sleep and you might go back to this dreamworld- This 'Pays de Gales' place you speak of."

Mr. DeVane smacked his forehead. "Cardiff n'est pas un monde rêveur! Si quelque chose, ceci est! Pouvez vous svp juste me dire où il y a une ambassade -- ou... ou un aéroport, ou un port maritime, ou quelque chose!"

"We don't have embassies for imaginary places. Unless you count the shrine to Paranesia."

Markus sighed once more. "Bien, si vous n'allez pas m'aider à revenir maison, pouvez vous au moins m'aider à trouver un hôtel!?"

"A hotel? That's easy. There's one around the corner, called The Notahilton. Just tell them Jim sent you and they'll let you stay for as long as you want."

"Ampèreheure! Ainsi votre nom est Jim?"

"What? No, my name's not Jim, it's J'quoatal."

"Puis qui est -- ampèreheure, jamais esprit. Merci beaucoup!" Markus said, before heading off to find this 'Notahilton' place.

[Intyalle]

((Great story Kaz. It would be nice if I knew more than a handful of french, but I thin I can guess what he's saying enough to get the gist at least lol. I think I picked up some new words, too))

[Kazumaru]

(( Thanks. And I cheated with this-- I used babelfish.

I'll probably do a second installment of this in the coming days. :O))

[Kazumaru]

Markus stumbled through the streets for several hours, before finding out that The Notahilton was actually across town. He stopped in front of the door, somewhat shocked to see horse-sized cats. "Dans ce qui...? Est-ce que mon dieu, combien j'ai fumé?"

He walked through the door, and stood at the receptionist's desk, where someone named "Hilter" was working. "J'ai besoin d'une salle, svp. Jim m'a envoyé." Markus said.

The person looked up at him. "Pardon?"

"Ich benötige einen Zimmer, bitte. Jim sendete mich." Markus tried in German.

"Oh. Jim sent you. Right this way then, mister...?"

"Markus, Markus DeVane."

"Alright, Markus Markus DeVane." Mister Hilter said, leading Markus up to the second floor. He stopped at a room that was- confusingly- numbered 1408.

"Uhm... Kann ich zimmer V haben?" Markus asked. The number held certain connotations in his world...

"Eh?"

Markus tried to speak in English. "Kane ak hab rum V?"

"Wha... Oh! Room V! No, sorry, that's taken by one of our regulars- some poor burn victim. Likes to mutter about world domination, that he does."

"Die andere Seite, dann?" Markus asked. Seeing the blank stare, he tried in mangled English. "Adder van!"

"Oh. The other room. Room 666? Sorry. Pepito has that one. Asked for it specifically, weird fellow. This is the only one here that's unoccupied, sir, do you want it or not?"

Markus sighed, then nodded. Mr. Hilter opened up the door. Markus stepped into it. "Merci." he said.

Markus closed the door behind him and turned around. The room he'd taken was a mess- The floor was horridly uneven, slanting to his right. Even more oddly, the slant seemed to change whenever he turned, so it was always to his right.

The walls had stab marks in them, and someone had drawn a dart board by the bed.

"Sacre blu..." Markus said, opening the door again and walking out. He passed Mr. Hilter on the stairs, jumped down the last two, went out past the reception desk, and out into the light of day. "Je dois rêver, des marques de cet endroit aucun sens... Personne ne parle français, allemand glorieux, russe, ou chinois! Chats!? Chats la taille des chevaux! Cet endroit ne peut pas être vrai!"

~There is no way out.~ A voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once. ~You're new here?~

Markus looked around. "Là où êtes vous?!" he shouted. On Earth, his crazed rambling and shouting would have gathered a crowd around him. Curiously, here it did not.

~Does it matter where I am? I asked you if you're new here.~

"Oui... Je suis nouveau ici." Markus said, turning around, still looking for the source of that voice.

~Ah, excellent. Where're you from?~

"Pays de Galles!"

~Wales? Earth?!~

"Oui!" Markus said, excited.

~Another human.. from Earth.~ the voice mused.

Markus felt a tap on his shoulder, and he spun. He was greeted with the sight of a man just slightly taller than himself, wearing a lab coat and a top hat. "Ce qui-- qu'êtes vous!?"

"My name is Kazumaru." the man said. His voice was similar to the one Markus had heard moments before.

Markus was too shocked by the man's appearence to speak.

"Well? Do you have a name?"

"O-oui. Je sui Markus, Markus DeVane." Markus said.

"I take it you want a place to sleep, eat, rest?"

"J'ai une salle d'hôtel déjà, au--"

"Oh, nonsense. The hotel is a crap hole." Kazumaru paused. "Well, so is my place, but you won't be stuck between Pepito and that burn victim."

"Quelle était cette voix que je viens d'apprendre?"

"The voice was me. It's called mindspeak. You'll hear it a lot. Now then, do you want a place to live or not?"

"Quel est le crochet?"

"No hook- sorry, no catch. All you'll have to do is manage to get along with the others."

"... Je veux aller à la maison. À Cardiff. Au Pays de Gales. À la Terre!"

"You can't go home, Markus. I'm sorry."

"... Amende... Je resterai avec vous. Jusqu'à moi peux aller à la maison."

"Excellent. Can you ride a horse cat? ... Let me revise that, can you ride a horse?"

"Je suis un journaliste, pas un jockey!"

"A journalist? Interesting. Fine, I guess you can just ride with me. Wait here."

Kazumaru went into the Notahilton, shouted something to Mr. Hilter, and unitched one of the horsecats. He swung himself onto it, and pulled Markus up.

Somewhat awkwardly, Markus wrapped his arms around Kazumaru's waist as the Spirit shouted "Kyah!" and kicked his heels into the side of the horse cat, causing it to start running down the street and eventually out of the town...

((Yes, I understand the grammar is all wrong and it probably looks goofy to any French or German speaker. A proof-reader would really be nice... D:

If I do another chapter, it'll be after BoaS is resolved. ))

[Intyalle]

((lol. It seems fine to me, but as I said I'd be lucky to understand one word in five ))

[Kazumaru]

"C'est un rêve très étrange..." Markus said, getting off of the horsecat, now in front of Kazumaru's lab. "Un rêve très étrange en effet."

"Not a dream." Kazumaru said, hitching up the horsecat.

"Vision, puis. Trop de drogues."

"Not a hallucination, trip, or any synonymous term. You're in a world of magic. A world of Gods, Spirits, and Mortals. A world where paintcans rain from the sky."

"Hérétique, je vous ai dit! Il n'y a aucun Dieu mais Dieu! ... Et les bidons de peinture ne pleuvoir du ciel!"

"I find it ironic that you call me a heretic while you yourself blaspheme against the Council."

"Council?"

"The High Council, Mister... I never did catch your name."

"Markus, Markus DeVane."

"Alright. The High Council, Mr. DeVane. The Gods and Goddesses that rule over this land, and the spirits under them."

"Ce ne peut pas être ! Il n'y a aucun Dieu mais--"

"No God but God, I know, I know. You've said this a few times. I have fought both alongside and against Gods and Goddesses."

"Écoutent moi, vous l'homme fol, là sont --"

"Crazy? Mr. DeVane, you're the one that's crazy. I found you standing in the middle of a street jabbering on in French. You deny the existance of what you see in front of you. For example, the horsecat we rode here on. You deny the basis of our society-- the existance of the Gods and Goddesses I've spoken to, argued with, and serve. Denying the divine powers is the crazy, sir, not believing in them."

"Très bien. Vous dites qu'il y a des puissances divines, hein ? Prouvez-le."

"Proof? You want proof?" Kazumaru grinned. He floated up, off of the ground. "Is this proof?"

"Tour de salon. Criss Angel peut faire cela."

"Criss Angel..." Well, I guess I haven't been gone that long... "Criss Angel cannot do this." Kazumaru drew a bolt of lightning down from the air, causing Mark to jump back in fright.

"Ahem. Criss Angel a fait cela, aussi. Vous êtes une entaille."

Kazumaru sighed, and looked Markus in the eyes. "My eyes are pure silver. A glowing, pure, silver. How do you account for that?"

"Verres de contact."

"Contact lenses!? Do you have ANY idea how much that would hurt!? Gah! Anyway... Hmm, how else..." Kazumaru shrugged off his labcoat and held up his left hand. Before Markus' eyes, it turned into mist.

Kazumaru poked Markus with the stump. "Well?"

In place of a response, Markus simply fainted.

[Kazumaru]

((A/N: Wiggling fingers in forehead = Shaon's idea. As was backhanding Markus and having Kaz's coffee float away.))

A few hours passed, and Markus awoke to see Kazumaru, now floating upside down and staring intently at the wiggling fingers on his forehead. Once more, Markus fainted.

A fair time later-- Clearly, as it was night now-- Markus woke up for the second time. And Kazumaru was staring at him greedily.

"Quoi regardez-vous fixement?" Markus asked. He looked upwards, and saw a hand sticking out of his head. He shrieked, then fell back into the cold grip of unconciousness.

The next morning, Markus awoke for the third time. His eyes quickly adjusted to the light, and he looked to his left to see Kazumaru, still floating above the ground, but now attempting to 'swim' to it.

Markus stood up. "Ugh... Les drogues... habituellement ne durent pas ce long..."

"That might be because this isn't a drug induced hallucination." Kazumaru said, now attemping to reach the ground with his hand. He managed to gain purchase on a clump of dirt, and pulled himself back down to Earth. "OH PRAISE THE GODS!" he shouted "I'M BACK ON SWEET, SWEET GROUND!"

~Finally,~ Paranesia thoughtspoke, before vanishing.

"Oh come on. You totally saw that fox!" Kazumaru said, slipping on his lab coat once more.

"Quel renard?" Markus asked.

"The giant gray fox that was just over there... Damnit. Anyway. You want some coffee?"

"Uhh... Sûr. Vous avez dû travailler à vos illusions de vol, d'ailleurs. Vous n'êtes pas très bon."

"Not an illusion." Kazumaru said, walking towards his lab.

"Uhh... Juste hors de curiosité, quelle est cette chose rouge géante attachée au chose gris accroupi?"

"Giant red thing is Zion's attachment. Squat gray thing is my lab." The Spirit pushed open the door, and Sentinel's voice greeted him.

"About bloody time. How can you suck so badly at flying?" Sentinel asked.

"D'où est-ce que cette voix vient?" Markus asked. Then, he continued in a mocking tone. "Vient-il du fabricant de café ? Est-ce un certain 'esprit de machine'?"

Markus felt a hand hit him across the back of the head. "Nope." Kazumaru said, turning on the coffee maker. "Just an AI construct."

"I see you've dragged in another miscreant, Shocks." Sentinel mocked. "What gibberish is he speaking?"

"French." Kazumaru said, pouring two cups of coffee. He handed the first to Markus. "Cream and sugar is over there." he said, without gesturing at all. He then grabbed his own cup, or, rather, attempted to.

The cup of coffee suddenly flew ten feet into the air. "Oh come on!" Kazumaru said, attemping to jump to it. "That's not cool! Who's doin' that!?"

Markus looked up from stirring his coffee. "Criss Angel a fait cela, aussi! ... Attente, intelligence artificielle?"

"Yeah." Kazumaru said, jumping for his coffee again. "That's not fair, man!"

"Ce rêve a l'intelligence artificielle? J'avais lu trop de livres de la science-fiction..." Markus said, sipping his coffee.

"Dream?" Kazumaru said. "Oh." he stopped jumping. "Can I have my coffee, please, Goddess?"

~You're the one holding it.~

"What? No I'm-" Kazumaru was cut off, as the scalding brew was thrown at his face. "OH GODDESS WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THESE THINGS TO ME!?" Kazumaru shouted, as he ran around aimlessly, in much pain.

All of a sudden, Kazumaru hit something and fell backwards.

~You're aware that you just absorbed the coffee, right?~

"Uh... Now I am..." Kazumaru said, standing up. He'd apparently just ran into Paranesia.

"Ainsi... ce qui est cette chose de renard? Une certaine sorte de machine?" Markus asked.

"No, Frenchie. This is the Goddess Paranesia."

"Il n'y a aucun Dieu mais--" Markus started.

Kazumaru sighed. "Yeah yeah yeah. No god but God. You've said it before. Good job. Proud of you. That said, this is the Goddess Paranesia, who I am bound to."

"Je vous ai dit que, le hérétique, à plusieurs reprises, là est mais un--" Markus started, getting cut off by a rock hitting his head.

~You're doing better.~

~Thanks.~

Paranesia disappeared, and Markus woke up a few minutes later. He stood on his unsteady legs. "Il est vrai, n'est-ce pas? Je... ne vais pas à la maison. Je suis coincé ici. En cela... Ce monde défiant de logique. Rien ne se comprend. Devinez les puissances qui ne sont pas Dieu... Chats la taille des chevaux... Intelligence artificielle sensible..."

"Welcome to Blackstar, Markus. You're free to stay here, if you so wish. But I must warn you-- Staying around here will only further degrade your sense of reality."

"Je doute de lui."

"Trust me. Hang around here for a few months, and something is bound to happen. So, will you stay?"

"N'a pas pu blesser."

"It could hurt. Easily."

"Hmm... Oui, je resterai. Pour maintenant."

"Great. You can sleep in the shack-- Oh. And I strongly reccomend getting a job."

"Naturellement. A obtenu de tirer mon propre poids."

"... Yeah, that, and you're going to need some way to occupy myself when I'm not here." Kazumaru said, sitting down on his beanbag chair.

Markus sat on the couch. "Oh? Combien de fois êtes-vous allé, si je peux demander?"

"A lot." Kazumaru replied simply.

"Oh. Prenez-vous de la nourriture autour ici, par une chance?"

"Nope."

((Probably the last installment. :O))