The Great Cornelius Slaughtering

TheBlackSoul · Yellow Belt Old Friend Power Apathy Party Posts: 798

TheBlackSoul: 'Ello...
Cornie: ..What?
TheBlackSoul: *Picks up Cornie and drops him in a Pac-man game*
Pac-Man: Mmm, Yummy lines... *Eats Cornie*

LordPsycho · Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 9:38 pm Post subject:

*DP becomes ethereal, then proceeds to possess Cornelius, then commands the possess Cornie to bring addman a plate of cookies*

Possessed Cornelius: Hello Addman, I brought you some coo-*DP depossesses Cornie* -AAAAH! WHY! WHY MUST YOU EAT ME!

Maraha · Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2007 10:57 pm Post subject:

Maraha swiftly sneaks about the place in search of the latest Cornie clone. She spots him, and listens to him while he talks to himself.

Cornie: *Twitches* What'll kill me tomorrow night, Cornie? NARF!

'He's snapped!' She thinks before stepping out of the shadows. "SWEET MAUI ONIONS IT'S ME!" She screamed before lunging at the now-rather-flabbergasted Cornie.

Cornie: D: Dear baby jeebus-WHY!?!?!?
Maraha: >:D
Triste: *Wanders into the room* Maraha, may I kill you for a mo-
Maraha: *Knocks Triste over, then picks him up and beats Cornie to a bloody pulp with him*
Triste: X_x Eh! Stop using me to kill people!

Somefreakoverthere · Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 3:52 am Post subject:

Sfot, feeling compelled to try out something, spots a new Cornie and waves.

Sfot: Hey cornie!
Cornie: Uh...h-h-hi...
Sfot: I need your help with something.

She then grabs his arm and forcibly tows him into a room, wherer she flips him onto a table and chains him down quickly. She holds up a HUGE carving knife, and grins wickedly.

Sfot: Don't worry, I won't kill you!

She then removes the skin covering his gut and starts rying to remove his digestive system with him watching. He dies from fear, and growling she kicks his body off the table and unchains his limbs that werer ripped off due to the fact they werer still chained down.

Sfot: DAMNIT! That's the fifth time thats happened...Oh well. Time to try again!

She goes off to find the next Cornie and attempt to remove his vital organs while he's still alive, awake and screaming in fear.

Maraha · Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:03 am Post subject:

Maraha: ONGCORNIE!
Cornie: NOT AGAIN! *Eeps*
Maraha: *Shoves a huge plastic cup full of a melted Banana shake down Cornie's throat*

SYMIA!

Symia: *Runs into the room* What? *Sniff* Is... is that a Banana shake I smell? *Starts drooling*
Maraha: Symia! Get! *Points to Cornie's stomach*
Symia: BUH-NAH-NAH!!! *Tears into Cornie's stomach to drink the melted Banana Shake*
Maraha: :3 That's my good deed for the day.
Contra: What good deed?
Maraha: I gave Symia a Banana Shake!

Chronos · Green Fox Belt Old Friend Evil Council Member Posts: 641

Cornie: *while running* arrgh! *bumps into Chronos*
Chronos: *scowls*
Cornie: Ah, Chronos, the secretly good and righte-aaearetahrgek!*dies*
Chronos: *pulls hand out of Cornie's lung* I wish less people knew that. Then there would be fewer unfortunate blabbermouths 0_o

Maraha · Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:16 am Post subject:

Maraha: Cornie, would you do a favor for me?
Cornie: No, what?
Maraha: I need someone dead.
Cornie: I see where this is goi-
Maraha: I want you to kill someone who really bothered me today.
Cornie: Er... who?
Maraha: We shall call her Molisa The Loud.
Cornie: Well, I might as well do something interesting before I'm brutally murdered by a bunch of savage swines.

*Maraha and Cornie find Molisa*

Maraha: SPIT FOOD ON ME, WILL YA!? *Grabs Cornie and proceeds to beat Molisa to death with him*
Cornie: *Twitch*
Maraha: <.<; YOU SAW NOTHING! *Punches Cornie to death*

Fort · Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2007 6:32 pm Post subject:

Cornelius: *Whimper*
Fort: Why are you whimpering?
Cornelius: Because your going to murder me.
Fort: Ahh, no, not at all.
Cornelius: Really?
Fort: Yup.
Cornelius: Well-wait...what's the catch?
Fort: You have to work as a civil servant for the rest of your life.
Cornelius: AHHHHHHHH!!!
*Cornelius slits his own throat*

addman · Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:33 am Post subject:

Cornelius: Ahhh, time to relax with a bowl of my favourite cereal.

*Addman sits down at the opposite side of the table and glares at him*

Addman: Is that my Cookie Crunch cereal?
Cornelius: No, this my Chocolate Moons! *takes a mouthful* ... Oh no ...
Addman: Is that my Cookie Crunch cereal?
Cornelius: Someone must have switched the boxes or something!
Addman: Oh right, well I guess that can't be helped then.
Cornelius: R...Really?
Addman: Yeah, it's not your fault.
Cornelius: Phew...thankyou...

*Cornie takes another mouthful and chokes to death*

Addman: Ahh haha! Fate, how cruel you are!
Fate: Wuz nuttin' to do wi' me, squire! Ask Lady Luck.
Addman: I would, but I still owe her one soul over a roulette game.
Lady Luck: What was that?
Addman: Erm....look one soul! *points at Cornelius body*
Lady Luck: They need to be alive!
Addman: Erm....look one soul!
Lady Luck: That's Fate.
Fate: Hurr, charmin' dat!
Addman: Damn, where's a Cornie clone when you need one?

*On cue, a cornie clone walks into the room with a bowl of cereal*

Addman: LOOK, ONE SOUL!
Lady Luck: It'll do.

*Lady Luck pops a straw in Cornie's ear and slurps out his soul*

Addman: ...Anyone want to play Souless Cornie Body Football?

Somefreakoverthere · Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 9:24 am Post subject:

Sfot: Cornie! Just the person I needed!
Cornie: Wh-wh-what do you want?!
Sfot: Not much!
Cornie: Oh, that's good-
Sfot: Just your spine!

*Sfot plundges her hand through the body of a screaming Cornie and rips out his spine*

Sfot: Oi, Cornie!
Cornie: Y-y-yes?
Sfot: This is for not having a strong enough spine!

*She beats him to death with the previous clones spine*

Swix · Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 5:01 pm Post subject:

*Cornelius starts whimpering in a corner, just as a black and red dragon walks around that corner*
Cornie *gulp*
Furnace: Ah, Cornelius! Just the guy I was looking for!
Cornie: I'm not falling for that again, you're gonna attack me in some horrific way
Furnace: Not this time
Cornie *looking up hopefully* You're not?
Furnace: No. Actually I need you to come with me, I'm really hungry...
Cornie: Not that again
Furnace: ... and I'm sick of eating clones, so come with me
Cornie: Uh... okay...

*Later*

Cornie *standing on a hill, surrounded by bushes whilst Furnace circles above*
Cornie: Is this all I have to do?
Furnace ~Just stay still...~
*A many legged, sharp clawed, toothy and furry creature leaps on Cornelius and starts savagely mauling him*
Cornelius: Arrrrrgh! Get it o-
*He's cut off as Furnace's jaw clamps around both him and the strange creature*
Furnace ~Sick of clones, yeah, right~

addman · Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:46 am Post subject:

Cornelius: One Slugfoot special please!
Slugfoot: I'm afraid you don't have enough money.
Cornelius: Dammit, I need some quick cash!
Addman: You looking for a job? I've got just the thing! And the pay is good!
Cornelius: Sounds great, when do I start?
Addman: Now!

*Addman and Cornie take a cab, which pulls up outside an off license/liquor store*

Addman: We're here.
Cornelius: What? I thought you said I was going to work in an office.
Addman: No, I said you'd be working in an Offy.
Cornelius: Off License huh? Do they need a manager?
Addman: Nope, see those young tearaways over there?
Cornelius: Yeah...
Addman: It's your job to go into that offy, and buy them alcohol.
Cornelius: What? But they're clearly underage! Why can't you do it?
Addman: Because the shopkeeper found out what I was doing, I'm banned.
Cornelius: This is crazy!
Addman: Look, just get their money up front, we take 10p on alcho-pops, 20 on spirits, and 25 on cans of cider.
Cornelius: I'm not doing this, it's immoral!
Addman: These kid's parents have given them money to get drunk, but they can't get it themselves. Do you really want to ruin little Kieran's 7th Birthday over this?
Cornelius: He's 7?!
Addman: This is how I get my extra cash. How else do you think I got that shiny chair in my office last month?
Cornelius: I thought you tied and gagged Fort then stole it.
Addman: Oh yes...I did...I should probably untie him soon...but how do you think I could afford that velvet rope and gag?

*Cut to Fort in his office, hogtied in the corner*

Fort: These ropes are so smooth, it's like I'm not even hogtied!

*Back to the off license*

Addman: Anyway, I didn't want to say anything, but the EC are making cutbacks next month. Anyone who isn't bringing in money is going to be sold on eBay. I don't want that to happen to me, do you?
Cornelius: No.
Addman: Now get in there and get these kids some booze!

*Cornelius collects the children's money and enters. He emerges a few minutes later without anything*

Kieran: Oi mister, where's my White Lightning?
Cornelius: Sorry kids, they wouldn't serve me.
Kieran: WOT!?
Little Jimmy: Not even any ciggies?
Cornelius: Afraid not, apparently I look too young and I forgot my ID.
Addman: Sorry kids, no refunds!

*Addman runs off into the distance with the money whilst Cornelius is assaulted, and ripped apart by a bunch of enraged chavvy children*

Maraha · Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 3:02 am Post subject: WARNING! Wall of text!

Maraha: *Spots another Cornie Clone* Yo, Cornie!
Cornie: *Sigh* H-Hello again...
Maraha: I'm headin' off to the Space Station 13, ya wanna come along?
Cornie: In space? Well, I... I guess so.
Maraha: Excellent! Let's get going!

*Later, on the Space Station*

Maraha: Okay, this is the Bridge, here the captain will give us a job.
Cornie: Alright, sounds good.
Captain Sulk: Ah, hello Maraha! You'll be the head of Security, and... who's this here?
Cornie: *Hands Sulk his ID card*
Sulk: Cornelius, the... 'EC's punchbag'? Well, you'll... clean up the Monkey Cage.
Cornie: *Thinking to himself* 'Oh no, not again!'

*Later, near the Medical Research area, in the small room containing a few diapered(sp?) monkeys*

Ai73: Ook.
M42e: Ook?
Cornie: Um, you aren't plotting anything, are you?
M42e and Ai73 look at eachother, then lunge at Cornie's throat.
Cornie: GLARG!
*Someone runs into the room dressed in a white labcoat, complete with white rubber gloves and all*
Joseph Narringway: Wow! A human to experiment on? Perfect! *Beats the Monkeys off with a crowbar and drags the now-very-bruised-Cornie into a large white room with strange looking equipment, cryo-pods and DNA samples all over the place, and even more DNA samples in Suitcases on the counter*
Joseph: Now sir, I must mention that the Cryo-Pod won't cooperate with... clothed specimens.
Cornie: *Whimpers*

*Meanwhile, in the Jail/Security Room*

Obsin: *Is behind the blue super-glass door, a.k.a in the brig!* I didn't mean to beat the guy in the head with the First Aid kit! I forgot how to use it!
Maraha: I hear that all the time, Obsin. You're obviously not competent enough for the job.
Sulk: *Over the Headset* Security to Bridge, Maraha, are you there?
Maraha: *Over the Headset* On my way, captain.

*In the Bridge*

Maraha: Something wrong, Captain?
Sulk: Very, I just got a report that there's a traitor onboard. It mentions who it might be, what should we do with him?
Maraha: May I suggest keeping an eye on him at all times?
Sulk: I disagree.
Maraha: Then what do you suggest Ca-
Sulk: *Beats Maraha to the ground, removes her Bullet-Proof vest and other armor and headset and such*
Maraha: NOOOoooOOOooo! *Gurgle-choke*
Sulk: *Drags Maraha over to a chair and handcuffs her, then ties her to the chair* You won't be going anywhere anytime soon. *Sulk then leaves the room*
Maraha: *Maraha could hear his foodsteps fade as he walked down the sterile corridors* Meep, this isn't good.

*Meanwhile, in the Medical Research Area*
Joseph: Complete! ONGX, leave the Cryo-Pod!
Cornie *Now ONGX*: *Stumbles out of the Cryo-Pod* E gad! That felt weird!
Joseph: *Could only hear ooks and squeals, not speaking the Monkey language* Stop ooking and follow me! *Grabs ONGX by the arm and leaves the room, but walks into Sulk*
Sulk: Hello Joseph.
Joseph: Hello Captain, what brings y-*Gags*
Sulk: *Removes any weapons or blunt objects from Joseph after strangling him until he fell unconcious* You old quack, I've been wanting to do that. Now, for the monkeys! *Sulk proceeds to tie all the monkeys together with their tails (including ONGX) and drags them, along with Joseph, to the Bridge*

Maraha: You can't do this to me! Er, um, uh, I love yoooou!
Joseph & The Monkeys: *Joseph and the Monkeys are handcuffed and are each tied to their own individual chairs*
Sulk: *Leaves the room, but returns ten minutes later with Artherius Smellingbrig*
Artherius: *Is tied and handcuffed like the rest*
Sulk: Alright, that's all of you. Now, what to do with all of you...
Artherius: Are you going to make us all fight to the death?
Maraha: Shut up!
Joseph: Oh shnap!
ONGX: Oh dear...
Sulk: Excellent idea! *One-by-one Sulk unties the bunch and drags them into a medium-sized room just south of them*
Joseph: Hey Maraha, do you love me?
Maraha: Yes I love you too.
Artherius: Stop it Maraha.
Maraha: <_< Jealous!

Sulk: *Removes the handcuffs and hides behind a door* Alright! When I say so, you may all start fighting!
Obsin: *Over the Headset* Whoo-hooo! In your face, jerks! I'm gonna get off this heap of space junk!
Sulk: Just a moment... *Leaves*
Joseph: Hey Maraha, let's make bab-
Artherius & Maraha: *Shoves Joseph onto a bed in the corner and beats him*

*Moments later*

*Sulk arrives, the half-naked Obsin in tow, and drops him with the others, then goes back to hiding behind the door*
Sulk: Alright, now, fight!

*Maraha and Joseph team up on Artherius and knock him down, then Maraha proceeds to beat Joseph to death. Obsin is eaten by a bunch of monkeys and ONGX a.k.a Cornie is hiding in a locker. Before Maraha could beat the monkeys Artherius got up and beat her face with an Oxygen Tank, and after he was sure she was dead he ran over to the monkeys and smashed their skulls with the oxygen tank*

Sulk: *He gives an amused chuckled* Well we seem to have a wi-
ONGX: *Bursts out of the locker* I WILL ESCAPE!!! (Which to the humans sounded like 'EEP OOK AAK!')
Artherius: WHAT THE-
ONGX: *Tears Artherius' jugular out and strangles him with it*
Sulk: ... Alright! We have a winner! Monkey, come with me.

*Sulk and ONGX/Cornie leave the room and manage to find the Escape Shuttle, they enter the shuttle and it takes off*
Sulk: Oh wait, my job was to... kill... the... captain... and, um, escape... But... I'm the captain... oh well. *Sulk proceeds to strangle himself*
ONGX: Ooo-kaay... Well atleast I'm alive.
M4r4: *Sneaks out from under a Chair, she seems to be wearing a mask attatched to an Oxygen Tank* Ook, hello Cornie. It's me, Maraha. Sulk forgot someone, they found us and turned us all into monkeys in a matter of seconds, 'twas amazing, really... Anyway! I've got a job for you!
ONGX: *Gulp* What is it?
M4r4: I want you to close your eyes, please.
ONGX: Um, alright. *Closes his eyes*
M4r4: *Quietly chews a large hole in the wall of the Shuttle and shoves ONGX through it* Ha! Us Space Monkeys aren't totally immortal! Only the vacuum of space can kill us! Goodbye, Cornie! See ya later!

ONGX: 'Well, this stinks.' *Suffocates*

*The sound of applause can be heard as Cornie's dead corpse is dragged off by men in black suits, the curtains fall and Maraha, now back in her human form, bows and steps off the stage*

----

(Heh, this was all based off of something that actually happened in the online game 'Space Station 13', it was hilarious. I apolagize for the long post, and if it didn't amuse you, but I just had to post it!)

LordPsycho · Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:21 am Post subject:

*spots Cornie Cloan*

*slashes throat*

Ah, the simple ways are always the best!

Somefreakoverthere · Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 12:20 pm Post subject:

Sfot: Simple may be good, but... *hides above a doorway with a dead Cornie who's been through Rigor Mortis held like a club* I kinda like thinking up these long and fun ones.
Cornie: *Steps in* Ah! Relative safety!
Sfot: *drops down on him and starts beating him with the corpse in her hand*
Cornie: D: Dx