The Wall

[Fort]

((Damn this Powerplay has become rediculous. Ahh well... ))


*Fort looked about.*
Fort: Be carefull of that Igor..Eyegor? Ingor. Whatever. That Hunchback who talks like a stereotyped blackman. I hear he plans to use our buttocks to open cans of coke or, "pop caps in our asses".
Addman: I'm sure that has a double meaning.
Fort: Whatever. I can't believe you were going to fire rockets at me!
Addman: 25 Fort is a lot of money.
Fort: It isn't your just very tightfisted.
Addman: What about you?
Fort: What about me?
Addman: Remember when yuo bet up that Hobo for his cap of money?
Fort: Lets not get into the times of your housing difficulties.
Addman: I've never had housing difficulties.
Fort: Yes you have. When we kept you in that suitcase.
Addman: Yes. It took you some time to realise I was alive and not REALLY a puppet. But that doesn't make me a Hobo.
Fort: Hobo? What the-? What are we talking about again?
Addman: I haven't the fain-OH SWE-
*Fort quickly covered Addman's mouth to stop him from screaming out loud, as Frankensense's Monster and Trebor are locked in mutal embrace.*
Addman: I thwink myth eyeth areth bleeding.
*Fort and Addman, still in the same posistion, run for the front exit, and down the hill into the town of the educated Mob.*
Fort: I don't suppose we could eat something could we?
Addman: We were already in Yak'sButts
Fort: I'm still hungry.
Addman: No. We can't, we're going to leave this land of horrors first. We're going to cross that god-dammed wall and get back to the Dojo, where at least the Sanity is clean and everybody doesn't wear Pinyatas.
Fort: Except on Thursdays.
Addman: Yes. But Thursday is a speacial day.
*Suddenly as Addman and Fort run down the hill, they find a man in his pyjamas sipping a cup of tea.
Man in PJs: Hello? Are you from Ward 5?
Fort: What?
Man in PJs: Ward 5?
Addman: I think this is a mentaly disabled person. I think I can see why he may have confussed you for one of his own, Fort.
Fort: Shut up you sack of Blue Fur!
Addman: I could have blown you to smithereens you know!
Fort: FOOL!
Addman: CRETIN!
Fort and Addman: MONEY STEALER!
Fort and Addman: ....
Man in PJs: Is it Money you two want? Got some funny foerign currency here....
*Man in PJs throw Fort and Addman 25CL. Which Fort and Addman hastily dive for, have a punch up, and roll down the opposite side of Frankensense's castle, which was a cliff.*
Fort and Addman: ARGGHHHhhheeeeeee!!!! (Where Fort's screams are slightly more girlish and are eventualy makes the coherant word of "Mummy")
*Fort and Addman crash land upon a rocky outcrop of Rocks in the sea.*
*When Fort awakes. He looks about.*
Fort: Are...are we stranded?
Addman: Of course not. Some revenge seeking Monk or Sex crazed Scientist, or even a Sexist Stunted Queen who only really wants love will come looking for us.
Fort: Ah.
Addman: So that's why I'm hidding under this rock.
Fort: Good idea.

[addman]

*Fort had to do a double take at Addman's last statement*

Fort: Hold on, your hiding under a pebble?
Addman: Hey, it's the best I could do! Given the circumstances.
Fort: If you're going to hide there, could you at least do it in a less ridiculous position? I can see...where the hand should go...
Addman: Quiet! Someone's coming...

*Trying to hide more of himself behind the tiny pebble, Addman squirmed around as silently as possible before a little girl came into view. She was skipping along the rocks with a bucket in hand, collecting crabs from the various rock pools which lay around. Noticing Fort, she skips over towards him*

Little Girl: Why hello there, Mr. Reindeer man. Would you like to see what I've caught?
Fort: What...is this thing?
Addman: It's a child. I've heard about them on the news, bloodsucking monsters they are!
Fort: Good lord, what are we going to do?
Addman: I'll jump out and scare it, I don't think it's seen me behind this rock yet.

*Addman leaps out from underneath his pebble and gives his best roar. The girl just stands there, then proceeds to hug Addman tightly*

Little Girl: Cookie!
Addman: Get it off! Get it off!
Fort: How?
Little Girl: Cookie!
Addman: Oh god! I can't look!
Fort: Add, it's going to suck out your nutrients!
Addman: I have no nutrients! I live on a diet of cookies!
Little Girl: Cookie!

*Fort eventually manages to prise the Little Girl's iron grip from Addman's waist and hoists the child over his head, ready to throw it onto the ground as hard as possible, when suddenly, a booming voice is heard overhead*

Voice: STOP!
Little Girl: Daddy is cross now!
Fort: Daddy?
Voice: Thou shalt not kill my daughter!
Addman: Who are we speaking to?
Voice: Who do you think? Y'know, loud, holy, bodiless voice ringing out across the heavens and earth?
Addman: ...Santa?
Fort: I think it's that Jebus guy.
Voice: Jebus!? JEBUS?! Nevermind, are you going to put my daughter down or not?
Addman: Best do it, he sounds mighty.
Fort: Fine!

*Fort puts the girl on the floor, who proceeds to run over to Addman and hug him again, despite his protestations*

Voice: Hmm, it seems little Melody has taken a liking to you.
Addman: She only wants me for my cookies.
Voice: Hmm, perhaps I have a little task for you. Head West towards the holy ice cream palour and take my daughter, Melody for ice cream. If you succeed I shall reward you greatly.
Fort: Humph, what do we look like, babysitters?
Voice: YOU DARE TO QUESTION ME?
Addman: ...Well once I've cleaned myself up, we'll head off.

[Fort]

Fort: Great. A quest. And a pitiful one at that.
Jebus: DO YOU DARE DEFY YOUR LORD?!
Fort: I don't know a Jebus!
Jebus: Look! Just go east! Take her out for Ice Cream! Leave me and Mrs. Claus some peace.
Fort: Mrs. Claus?
Jebus: ...Mrs. Jebus.
Fort: Oh. Right. Okay then. One question, how the devil do we get off this rock?
Jebus: THO SHALL BUILD A MIGHTY BOAT!
Fort: Oh. That sounds like a lot of fun.
Addman: What building Material do we have?
Fort: Small rocks and this one little Girl.
*Addman eyes up the girl.*
Jebus: YOU SHALL BUILD A BOAT FROM THE ROTTING CORPSES OF - INFIDELS!
*Thousands of rather rotting corpses fall from the sky.*
Addman: Mr. Jebus, Sir. You haven't been a god long have you?
Jebus: You try doing my job. I was happy the way I was, fat, jolly, bringing joy to children. Now it's smite this. Smite that. Blah blah blah. I may be Godly but I don't have the patients. My reign goes as far as the Wall anyway before that bleeding Au'Mauri starts taking my gusto. Lets seem him do my Job!
Fort: I'm sure it's really Terrible being you.
Addman: What's that?
Fort: Eh?
Addman: Fort, look.
*Addman points to a large bathtub and shower.*
Jebus: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIAN!
*Addman pulls back the shower curtain, where a holy radiance blinds him.*
Addman: MY EEEYYEES!
*The showe curtain pulls back.*
Jebus: I told you. Now make me my boat!

*Fort picks up an Infedel's peasant body.*

Fort: Well this will be a dark chapter on our Journey I'll never like to speak off.
Addman: As opposed to the rest of it, you mean?
Fort: Touché.
Addman: Who's touchy?
Fort: Never mind.
Addman: Err...Jebus? What do we use as Rope.
Jebus: Large intestine.
Fort: ....
Addman: ...
Fort: The bloodsucking "child's" I presume? Ungodly creature...clinging onto Addman's hips...slowly drainging the life energy from his body....
Addman: Don't make this any more awkward than it already is.
Melody: COOKIE!
Jebus: You'll use the large intestine of the Infidels. Would you like me to rain knives down on you to help?
Fort and Addman: NOO!
Fort: Gods, I can see why Children liked this one...

***

*Fort and Addman sit on their raft of Infidels. Staring out upon the Horizon with grim demenor.*
Fort: Addman?
Addman: Yes?
Fort: Which way is east?
Melody: COOKIE!
Addman: For the love of God don't you say anything else!
Fort: Let's get it to scream.

[addman]

Addman: Hold on Fort, I think I see land!
Fort: Where!?
Addman: Just there, look!
Fort: Addman...that's your stomach.
Melody: COOKIE!
Addman: I DON'T HAVE ANY DAMN COOKIES OK?! COMPRENDE? CAPICHE?
Melody: Heh heh, you're funny.
Fort: Let's just find that Ice Cream Parlour before it murders us in our sleep.

*They begin to row using the torn-off legs of infidels when suddenly, a large tidal wave engulfs the raft knocking them all overboard and sweeping them into the sea. Addman is dragged away in the current and passes out.

He awakes several hours later, washed up on a beach covered in seaweed in the most cliched manner you could imagine. Looking around, he notices Fort sat on a giant rock nearby, with the little girl skipping around it in a merry fashion*

Melody: Laa laa lala la
Fort: Add, thank god you're awake, this child is casting some sort of incantation on me!
Addman: I knew she was a witch.
Melody: La la la la la la!
Fort: I feel faint.
Addman: Fight through the pain man!
Melody: LA LA LA LA!
Fort: Holy hell! Help me! Please!
Melody: La la la...oh look, ICE CREAM!

*The little girl stops skipping long enough for Fort to climb down from the rock. Melody points towards a signpost at the top of the beach which says "O Holy Ice Cream Parlour >>>" pointing to a path which leads off the beach and off into the distance*

Fort: Well I guess we should go that way.
Addman: I dunno, I want to build a sandcastle first.
Fort: Will you come on already?!
Addman: Fine...

[Netdroid9]

((Holy poo-poo it's the world's largest ego-script 0.o AWESOME!))

[Fort]

((I dare some people to beat this record. I just dare them. ))


*Fort stares at the Front door.*
Addman: Something wrong?
Fort: I'm just looking out for the Gnome people first.
Addman: They jump through holes in space and time. There is no way in hell you can see them if they want to be hidden.
Fort: Oh.
Addman: At this very moment they could be watching us. Waiting. Testing their moment.
Fort: R-really?
Addman: God knows what they're plotting. What they're thinking. What their diabolical schemes involve!
*Fort curls up on the ground and begins to suck his thumb.*
Addman: I expect they're getting ready to attack right now.
Fort: *Whimper.*
Addman: For the love of Jebus! Why are you terrified?! I'm the one who got strapped to a large chair and made to be a vehicle of a Sexist Queen!
Fort: Damn there is a lot of Backstory to this. But no, I'm terrified of the Gnomes siding with...them.
Addman: Who's Them?
Fort: WHO?! The very people who have influenced the turn of events that our lives have taken!
Addman: Gimpli, the Ringwraith, and the Medicaly trained duck?
Fort: I mean, Yotaman, Dr. Frankensense, and the Gnome Queen, what do you think they may be plotting together?
Addman: The world's freakiest Orgy?
Fort: ....apart from that.
Addman: That's really it.
Fort: I'm thinking OUR demise, I, stunning; sexy; and smart, with my bumbiling sidekick, which is you, have thrawrted them at every turn.
Addman: True enough. Although YOUR the bumbiling sidekick, I'd like to add.
Fort: Oh we'll see about that!
Addman: OH YEAH!
Fort: YEAH!
Girl: I ordered us Ice-cream.
*Girl hands Ice-cream to Addman and Fort.*
Fort: You-you got us Ice-cream?
Girl: Uhuh, silly man.
Fort: You mean I do not have to stand inside the public retail outlet?
Girl: Nuh-uh.
Fort: OH THANK JEBUS!
*Fort curls up in his ball and crys happily to himself.*
Addman: Hey! Jebus! Does this mean we get our great reward now!
Voice from afar: You didn't buy her Ice-cream. She bought YOU Ice-cream, go and buy: A SECOND ICE-CREAM!
Fort: OH GAWDS!
*Fort whimpers become more violent as he gibbers on about terrifying orgys involving his and Addman's demise.*

[addman]

*Addman drags Fort into the ice cream parlour and over the doorstep^, only releasing him once they reached the counter.*

Addman: Three ice creams please.
Ice Cream Lady: Certainly sir, but don't you want to finish your first one?
Addman: *swallows the ice cream whole* Three ice creams please.
Ice Cream Lady: *freaked out* ...Coming right up.
Addman: And make sure mines extra mint chocolate this time. Fort, what do you want? Fort? FORT?
Fort: I'm down here, curled up underneath the counter.
Addman: Right, he'll have plain. What do you want Melody?
Melody: RAINBOW!
Addman: There's no such thing you stupid brat.
Ice Cream Lady: Actually there is. We offer a Rainbow Special, seven appropriately coloured flavours on one very small cone. It tastes like crap but at least it looks nice.
Addman: OK we'll have that then.
Ice Cream Lady: That'll be £3.49
Addman: *searching around his person* Hmm, I must have left my money in my other fur, Fort! Pay the woman!
Fort: I can't, I gave my last change to the old hermit to shut up...and I gave your money away when we meet the Ringwraith.
Addman: What?! Why?
Fort: I thought it was customary to tip your hosts.
Addman: Well, what are we going to do now?
Melody: I'll pay!
Addman: OK!
Fort: Wait, what would Jebus say?
Addman: Isn't that a wristband? Anyway, pay up kid.

*Melody hands over the money and the three start walking to the door when the voice is heard again*

Jebus: YOU STILL HAVEN'T BOUGHT HER AN ICE CREAM!
Addman: We bought her OUT for ice cream...does that count?
Jebus: Hows about, NO, YOU GOIT!
Fort: But how can we pay? We have no money!
Jebus: Then get a job!
Addman: Get a job? Woah, this muppet does not work!
Fort: Then what do you do around the cave all day?
Addman:...work extra hard?
Fort: Look. we're not getting stupid jobs, we already have some...
Addman: ...And we have notes from our mothers...
Ice Cream Lady: Hey! You could work here! We have two vacancies.
Fort: She's dropped us right in it Addman.

*A few seconds later, Fort and Addman are stood behind the ice cream counter wearing aprons and hairnets*

Addman: Ding, ice cream's done, ding, ice cream's done, ding, ice cream's done, ding, ice cream's done...
Fort: Will you cut it out?
Addman: ...Fine.



^which had one of those traffic control spikes on it, but the wrong way around

[Fort]

*Fort Glowers over the counter.*
Customer: I'll have....I'll have...I'll have....
Fort: Would you please hurry up?
Customer: Errr....errr....errr.....
Fort: Unless you have a note explaining a medical condition I'm going to punch you.
Customer: Errr....Lets see. Rainbow?
Fort: It taste like crap.
Customer: Does it look nice.
Fort: Yes.
Customer: One Rainbow.
Fort: Look lady. I am not going to traul around ALL our ice cream tubs on your whim.
Customer: I want to speak to the Manager.
*Addman pops up behind the counter.*
Fort: WHO MADE YOU MANAGER?!
Addman: Apparantly there was a Till Job Vacancy and a Manager Job vacancy. Funky huh? I've discovered work is fun when you can boss others!
Fort: What a warped bussiness....
Addman: Anyway, how may I help you ma'am? May I say your makeup plastered face is extra lovely today.
Customer: This man won't serve me a Rainbow!
Addman: Well Ma'am, the problem with that is, is that Rainbows are non-existant ray of white light, that have shot through our atmosphere and have refracted, editing each individual strand-
Customer: I mean Rainbow Ice-cream.
Addman: WHY FORT?! WHY?!
Fort: I can't be bothered. Stupid Jebus....
Addman: This is an atrocity Ma'am! I will hastily take this Unholy worker outside and beat him accordingly!
Fort: Eh? No you won't. I'm the Headmaster.
Addman: My roof. My rules.
Fort: You and what army?
Addman: Gnome army.
Fort: IIIIEEEEEEE!!!!
Addman: Wrong choice of words.

*Addman takes Fort outside the parlour and begins beating him with a large stick.*

Addman: Here you go Ma'am. One Rainbow Ice-cream. Come to the holy Ice-cream parlour again!
Customer: I changed my mind. I want Chocolate chip.
Fort: ...*Twich* ...*Twich*
Addman: I see.
*Addman gives the customer a new Ice-cream and watches her leave.*
Fort: ...*twich* ....*twich*
Addman: God this Job is awful. I can't wait till pay-day.
Fort: Your the manager right? Can't you just pay us both extrordinary amounts and then we can buy the evil creature some ice-cream, get our award and then find the EC? To tell you the truth Addman. I've given up on my quest for a Tomato Fruit Tea. I've given up! There's no such thing! It was a lost cause from the start -!
*Addman slaps Fort and shakes him vigorously.*
Addman: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!
Fort: ARGHHH! INJUSTICE IN THE SYSTEM! INJUSTICE! MANAGER ABUSE! HELP!
Addman: Fine I'll open the safe.
*Addman pops out of his newly aquired office carrying a safe.
Fort: "I'll open it", eh?
Addman: Shut up and help me load this up into your Antlers.
*Fort crouches on his knees as Addman sticks the Safe between the demon's Antlers.*
Fort: My head feels like a crushing weight is bearing down upon it.
Addman: Can't be your brain? Eh? Eh?
Fort: Haha.
Addman: Comedy is wasted on idiots like you, you know.
Fort: Says the man who is supposed to buy Melody Ice-cream yet is still failing to come up with the dough.
Addman: It's right there between your ears. And I'm not speaking about your brain!
Fort: ...
Addman: I swear if I was in front of a drunken audiance this would be gold!
Fort: Didn't they give you the safe combination when you became manager.
Addman: Nobody remembers it. But watch me get us out of this.
*Addman struts sexily up to the the till worker.*
Addman: Hello. I'm an excentric billionare who wears your uniform for fun. Jeeves here, my regulary beaten butler, has an insane amount of money in that there safe to exchange for three ice creams.
Fort: ...Errr....Very good sir?
Till Worker: Oh wow. Sure!
Addman: Three Rainbow.
*Till worker gets three rainbow Ice-creams.*
Addman: Give her the money, Jeeves.
*Fort hands the till worker the safe.*
Till worker: Jeez. This is like our safe. It even has our security number on it.
Addman: RUN FOR IT!

*Addman and Fort run out the door with the ice-creams.*

Fort: I can't believe you got away with that. Those were almost the exact same lines you used to become an S-i-C.
Addman: Let's not get into that at the moment.
Fort: Err...Addman, where's the Devil-Child?
Addman: She's just...she's just....awww crap!

[addman]

((Class, that was the best post yet Fort. Actually, I kind of like this story arc))

Fort: Now what?
Addman: We don't need the kid, all we need to do is avoid that Jebus guy and...
Fort: But he's all seeing! He knows what we're up to!

****************

Jebus: C'mere Mrs. Claus!
Mrs. Claus: Oh Jebus, but won't Melody hear us?
Jabus: Nah I sent her off with a strange furry and a pale lanky guy for ice cream, they won't be back for hours.
Mrs. Claus: Oh, ok then honey. By the way, can we stop with the Jebus thing? The whole son-of-god thing doesn't suit you.
Jebus: Hey, it worked on those two idiots who are babysitting for us. All I had to do was hide behind a shower curtain, speak into a megaphone, and hurl dead bodies at them. Now, I just turn this megaphone up full blast so they can hear me for miles around and they fall for it everytime!
Mrs. Claus: OK dear, but can we at least climb out of this bathtub? My back hurts.

****************

Fort: We have to get that child back, pronto. She must be inside, but if we go back in, they'll recognise us!
Addman: OK, OK, I have a plan, but it's going to take all of our cunning...

*Fort and Addman walk back into the ice cream parlour dressed as a pantomime horse*

Fort: Hello, I would like to order one plain ice cream and a small, lost child to go please.
Ice Cream Lady: Sure coming right...wait, what did you say?
Fort: *whisper* Addman, what now?
Addman: *whisper* I don't know, I thought you'd ad lib a little.
Fort: Ahem, yes, I ...erm very much like ... the taste of children and ice cream.
Ice Cream Lady: One moment sir!
Fort: *whisper: That was easy.
Addman: *whisper* It was, wasn't it? Nothing usually goes this smoothly for us.
Fort: *whisper* act cool, she's coming back.
Ice Cream Lady: Here you are.
Melody: HORSEY!
Ice Cream Lady: Enjoy your meal.
Fort: Thanks, I shall ... mmm... childmeat!

*Addman kicks Fort*

Addman: *whisper* You're pushing it now!
Fort: Relax I know what I'm doing.
Addman: *whisper* Shhh
Fort: DON'T YOU SHHH ME!
Ice Cream Lady: What's going on here?
Melody: Sounds like the deer man.
Addman: Rumbled, let's get out of here!

*They throw the costume off and Fort scoops the child off the counter. The pair bolt for the door*

Ice Cream Lady: Stop! That slave child belongs to the O Holy Ice Cream Corporation Of Excessively Long Company Names, Thus Allowing Our Enemies To Escape Whilst We Recite The Name In Full.
Addman: Phew, we made it outside.
Fort: What now? You've held up plenty of stores in the past, what do you usually do after a successful heist?
Addman: Usually, I get caught. But I suppose we should lay low until the heats off.
Fort: This dark cavern with danger signs nearby over here seems like a safe to hide.
Addman: Well it's better than that woman hitting us with her ice cream scoop! Let's move!

[Fort]

((Woohoo! Sigged! That means I'm Popular! Really funny post BTW ))


*Fort and Addman carry Melody in the air between them, her legs flailing, as they move purposefully towards the shore.*
Fort: Is carrying her like this necessary?
Addman: Oh absolutely.
Fort: How
Addman: The time we're saving at the expense of her discomfort.
Fort: Ahh....
*Both continue walking for some time.*
Addman: Your thinking we're going to get struck down by a God aren't you?
Fort: We are you know. Don't mess with a Guy who used to be Santa Claus.
Addman: You have no way of proving that.
Fort: Eh? Look, he said so, I can't remember the wording but he said so!
Addman: He didn't tell it outright.
Fort: He's married to Mrs. Claus though!
Addman: She could have divorced!
Fort: True.
Addman: So stop it with your unbelieving! Heathen!
Fort: Sorry. Sorry.
Addman: We should wear hats.
Fort: Eh?
Addman: We're doing quests for Jebus. Aren't we technicaly Saints? We should wear pointy hats.
Fort: Pointy? I was thinking of something a little more...popey.
Addman: Look we'll browse a Hat shop.
Fort: While we're at it, lets buy a more Seaworth vessal. The other is beginning to smell. And from time to time it winks at me.
Addman: Right. Hats then boat?
Fort: Sometimes I lay awake, unable to sleep...those eyes....
Addman: I think I'll go for something purple.
Fort: And when I dream...I dream about killing you....
Addman: I'm meaning the hat of course. But if I ever saw a purple boat I'd buy that in a Jiff.
Fort: I hear voices, voices from the boat, even here. Far away....
Addman: Maybe a Green Feather in it? I don't know, it would add a little class?
Fort: I clench the necks of the dead and strangle them, screaming for them to shut-up, get out of my head, but they're always there...taunting me. You're the first person I've told.
Addman: What kind of hat do you want?
Fort: Definatly something Popey or equally phalic looking.
Addman: Good choice.

*Fort and Addman walk into the nearest Hat Shop, in the nearest Village which had a hat Shop. Which was actualy the first village anyway. Melody was left inside a Park to her own devices.*

Fort: Try that Posh Tactic again. See if we can get free hats.
Addman: Good idea. I may have to give you fresh brusises though. Can't be sloppy.
Fort: No. No!
Addman: Fine. I can do this on my own if I must. *AHEM* Hello Good Sir, I, and my Butler here are looking for Hats. We will not be paying of course, but we will be advertising your business to our very rich freinds!
Hat Keeper: Ye'r wearing a Uniform for a Till worker.
Addman: Erm...I'm an excentric Billionaire!
Hat Keeper: I don't believe you a bit.
Addman: TAKE AS MANY HATS AS YOU CAN AND RUN!
*Fort and Addman grab a pile of Hats and run into a secluded alley.*
Addman: Get anything nice.
Fort: A balacla and a Hat with Fruit in it.
Addman: Well that's not very Phalic is it?
Fort: The Hat with Fruit has a banana in it.
Addman: Well I see it's not a complete loss. I got a Baseball Cap and the Stock Portfolio.
Fort: A Stock Portfolio?
Addman: A very Fetching Stock Portfolio.
Fort: These hats aren't very....Sainty are they?
Addman: Watch as I balance this Stock Portfolio on my head without any apparant use of string, glue or hands!
Fort: WOW! Now that is a mirical! That is very Sainty! How do you do that?
Addman: Trade secret.
*Fort puts on his hat.*
Fort: I'm afraid my hat does not equal your Stock Portfolio.
Addman: One should not be jelous of what others have, young one.
Fort: Thank-you for your enlightentment oh St. Addman. Lets get Melody and a ship shall we?

*Fort and Addman collect Mellody in the park, who was creating a Dafadol crown.*

Melody: Mr. Addman? Why do you have paper wedged inbetween your eyes?
Addman: Ohheck-Errm-SILENCE! THOU SHALL NOT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF SAINT ADDMAN!
Melody: *Giggle* Your funny.
Passing By-stander: GASP! Look everyone! Watch how that Muppet balances a Hat Keeper's Stock Portfolio on his head without any apparant use of Strings, paper glue or hands!
Fort: Listen up people! This is St. Addman! It costs 80CL to become a Cleric to view the Portfolio! And 800CL to become a demi-priest to touch the Portfolio!

*After a lot of payment, and lots of Groping of Addman's hat. The three make their way to the docks to hire a ship and a Captain to sail it.*

Sailing Captain: This here be the finest ship that sailed the seven seas. Complete Luxury Cabins, Monkey Waiters, hot and cold water, varnished Planking, and nineteen cabin-girls aged eighteen to twenty five all blonde and brunnet and just out of a Strict Catholic School.
Fort: Sounds lovely. How much is it?
Sailing Captain: What? Charge a Saint and a Demi-God? Whatever are you thinking.
Fort: GASP! How did you know!
Sailing Captain: Well Sir, your a Saint because you have a Phalicly shaped Hat, or...semi-phalic. And this man here is balancing a Stock Portfolio on his head with no apparent use of strings, glue or hands. Obbious work of a demi-god.
Addman: So I'm a Demi-god now, am I? Hmm...sounds even better than a Saint.
Fort: Well this is lovely. Really lovely. We'll take it strai-
Addman: WAIT! OVER THERE!
Fort: What is it? Gnome Monks who know all the Sexual Preversion! Oh no! They've com-
Addman: Look! A purple Boat!
Fort: Oh. What about it?
Addman: I told myself I'd get a Boat that was Purple! I told myself I'd deffinatly go with it! We're having that Purple boat!
Fort: B-b-b-but....it's Purple because it is encrusted with Barnicles!
Addman: I don't care!
Fort: It's rotting and falling apart!
Addman: I don't care!
Fort: The Cabin Boy looks like a ninety Six year old Peadophille! And the Captain has got no arms!
Addman: I don't care! Get him!
Fort: No! I want my Cabin Girls!
Addman: Do you dare question a Demi-God!
Fort: Your not a Demi-God! Your a Saint and you know it! Your mirical is nothing but a gift from Jebus and you know it!
Addman: FORTICUS DEMONICUS! MARCH OVER THERE AND ORDER ME THAT PURPLE BOAT!
Fort: I am the leader of the Evil Council!
Addman: And I am still technicaly the Manager of an Ice-Cream Shop!
Fort: I want my Caabbbinnn Giiirrrlllsss....
Addman: What wouldJebus think if we unleashed that sort of thing on poor Melody?!
Fort: Fine...I'll ask NoArms and Cabinboylover over there....stupid muppet.
*Fort goes up to the Purple Boat Captain.*
Fort: *Sigh* I'd like to hire your vessal.
Captain: Oooh Arrr. That will require all your money.
Fort: What! Can't you be more specifc.
Captain: Oohh...a nice round sum of all your money.
Fort: This man is balancing a Stock Portfolio on his head!
Captain: OOoooh Arrrr-
Fort: Please stop that.
Captain: Don't interrupt. As I was saying, Oooohhh Arrr, that's nothing, I once saw someone do that with a cake.
Fort: Sigh...
*Fort hands over the money.*

[addman]

((NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But...but...the boat...the girls....!))

*Addman stepped aboard the sea vessel and looked around. Soon after, they cast off and began to drift aimlessly around the bay.*

Addman: Tell me captain, does this boat have sails?
Captain: Oooh Arrr, we have plenty of snails, and barnacles, and-
Addman: S-A-I-L-S
Captain: ...Ye be talking of fabled sheets that billow in the wind, are ye not?
Addman: That would be an adequate synonym, yes.
Captain: ...No.
Fort: Great, way to go! No we have no money, a boat with no sails, and no sexy cabin girls!
Old Cabin Boy: I can be a cabin girl, if yer want me to be...
Fort: Please, do you have any idea how many knocks to the head it's going to take to forget that sentence?
Addman: More than the usual three?
Fort: Many more than the usual three!
Melody: Mr. Deer man, I need to make tinkle.
Fort: Great, does this boat have toilet facilities?
Captain: Oooh Arrr, aye, it does.
Fort: Really? So where are they?
Captain: They?
Fort: The toilets.
Captain: Oooh Arrr, the toilet facility is the sea, you have to do your business overboard.
Fort: ...That's not very practical for a little girl now is it?
Captain: Practical? This ship isn't designed to be practical, in fact, everything is designed to be as awkward as possible.
Addman: Is that why the wheel is covered in barbed wire?
Captain: Oooh Arrr
Fort: We're never going to get home...

*Suddenly an aeroplane flies overhead, coming from the island*

Fort: You mean to tell me there was an airport on that island?
Captain: Oooh Arrr, but sea travel be much better!
Old Cabin Boy: Especially with us for company.
Fort: We're barely three metres away from the dock, I'm going to jump. Addman, bring the child with you, we'll take the plane.
Addman: But, but the purple boat...
Fort: Nobody cares about the stupid boat!
Addman: Fine, but if we're going to jump, we'll need some water wings for Melody.
Fort: What do you care?
Addman:...I don't.
Fort: Well then, toss her overboard. She'll be fine.
Addman: But the water might be cold.
Fort: Throw her!
Addman: No!
Melody: Mr. Addman help! The deer man wants to throw me!
Addman: Don't worry Melody, he won't touch you.
Fort: We're now four metres away from the dock, if we don't jump within the next ten minutes, it could be five!
Old Cabin Boy: Why don't you two go on ahead, and I'll look after your daughter?
Addman: ...GERONIMO!

*They all jump off and land neatly on the dock. The captain begins shaking his stump in anger, and the cabin boy begins to shake his...well...it's best left to your imagination.*

Addman: Well, now what?
Fort: We'll make the money for an aeroplane ticket home, you just have to do that trick with the stock portfolio again.
Addman: No sweat!

*Addman takes one step forward and the stock portfolio drops off the top of his head. Before it even hits the floor, a massive crowd has appeared*

Crowd: Look! It fell off! He's a fraud! He's not a holy man!
Addman: But look at his phallically shaped, banana themed, fruit arrangement used as a hat!
Crowd: Fruit no longer impresses us, we're now impressed by people who can burp their alphabet!
Addman: ...Well then, this is my time to shine!

*Addman burps the alphabet in a variety of different accents. The crowd shower them with money*

Fort: Great! Now let's get a plane!
Addman: Hang on, Fort! I see a purple boat! Can we take the purple boat?

[Fort]

Fort: NO!
Addman: Fine. Airport then?
Fort: Yep. Now let's get to the Airport and board that plane. There's no freaky Cabin-boys there.

*Later, with Fort and Addman sitting in First Class.*

Voice: Hello this is your Peadophille ninety year old captain speaking-
Fort: Oh for the love of. Isn't there a job of reputable orgin that isn't filled by freaks?
Man sitting to Fort's left: Oh no! You have to be a freak to go anywhere near public transport these days. It's in the job descrition and the question form.
Fort: Really?
Man sitting to Fort's left: Oh definatly. I was going to try to be a Train Driver, but then they discovered my Parents were married.
Fort: Shame.
Addman (who was sitting on the opposite side of the plane with Melody): I specificaly asked not to be seated beside the Child!
Melody: *Giggle* COOKIE!
*Melody hugs Addman.*
Addman: I am going to be very pleased to send you back to your Father and his bathtub.
Melody: COOKIE!
Addman: Ah. Back to this again...Fine, crush my large intestine, see if I care. I didn't like it anyway.
Fort (Shouting from otherside of the plane): HAH!
Addman: What's that supposed to mean!
Fort: It's supposed to mean your supposed to like food!
Addman: Want to come over here and make something off it!
Fort: Trade seats with the Child you mean?
Addman: Aye! Best out of three in a thumb war!
Fort: And leave her sitting beside this pervert!?
Addman: What's so perverted about him?!
Fort: He tried to be a train driver!
Addman: Say no more! Say no more!
*Fort turns to his companion.*
Fort: Sorry.
Man: Oh it's fine. Though I never passed my Standard Level Pervert test. I'm just classed as "Horny old man".
Fort: Oh. What a shame.
Man: I blame the education system.
Fort: Well if you tried hard you can't really blame it on yourself.
Man: Thank-you.

*Woman comes up to Addman and Melodies seat with a trolley.*
Hostess: Anything from the Cart.
Addman: Yes sur....what the devil?!
Hostess: Errr....
Addman: Your just a man dressed up in a woman's uniform!
Hostess: It makes me feel good about myself!
Addman: That's beside the point. They have Male Hostess uniforms you know!
Hostess: It's no business of yours what I like to wear!
Addman: It is when your completely bald and serving me drinks! It's quite frankly unerving.
Hostess: STOP JUDGING ME!
Addman: For the love of God. Don't you have some sort of dress policy? How do you get away with this?
*The Hostess bursts into tears and runs into the cockpit.*
Melody: Cookie was mean!
Addman: Yes. But you have to realise that you can't feel squat about other people's feelings, they'd quite happily sell you to a slave trader in New Mexico. Where the trader will force you to cook and clean in his household for him, where he lives with his life partner Gary and daughter Synthia, who have a relationship based off mutual respect.
Melody: What?
Addman: You heard me! Now while I go to the loo you hold this large wad of leftover money in an obvious place that would be an advantage for a mugger to take off you.

[addman]

((Apologies, the holiday season has affected my ability to keep up with things around here. Things will probably be back to normal next week))

*Addman left the child in the seat and went to the plane's toilet. Once he had finished, he did as any person with an ounce of hygiene would, and flushed. Meanwhile, down below:*

Plane Spotter 1: Look at the up there!
Plane Spotter 2: Wow, a boeing 747! You don't see many of these over this side of the wall.
Plane Spotter 1: You don't usually see those in RPs Ted, we must be very lucky!
Plane Spotter 2: Wait Ralph, something's fallen out of it.
Plane Spotter 1: Pass me the binocluars...oh yes, an object is hurtling towards us at tremendous speed!

*A few metres to the left of them, a large poo which had been flushed from the plane falls to the floor with a splat.*

Plane Spotter 1: Thank god we weren't stood a few metres to the....

*A piano falls on them and kills them instantly. Meanwhile, Addman heads back to his seat*

Addman: Hey Fort, when you use the bathroom on a plane, where does it all go?
Fort: Into some sort of tank, why?
Addman: So it doesn't fall out of the bottom then?
Fort: No, that would be very unpleasant.
Addman: I thought that's why they didn't let you go to the toilet while the plane was still on the runway, for fear of skid starts.
Fort: Well you never know in a place like this, there all sorts of weird things happening, like that man over there makes no attempt to cover his baldness.
Addman: Madness.
Fort: Madness indeed.
Addman: Even I make sure to cover my bald patches.
Fort: You have bald patches?
Addman: Yeah, in fact, my body is just one large comb over, but don't tell anyone.
Fort: Me? I'm always good at keeping secrets.
Addman: Like the time you gave away the confidential disarmanent codes the the UN peacekeeping force. We lost our whole supply of explosive arms that day
Fort: I thought they were plumbers.
Addman: Never mind, I'll keep your secret if you'll keep mine.
Fort: I don't have any secrets.
Addman: What about the nickname you had at school?
Fort: Hah, nobody knows that!
Addman: Well I'm afraid that's just not true, Rudolph! You talk in your sleep!
Fort: Bah, fine, fine. Shouldn't you get back to your seat now. That small creature may need some peanuts or something.
Addman: ok...erm Fort, I don't want to alarm you or anything, but there's a fat man sat where Melody used to be.
Fort: Hmmm, maybe she's transformed, like a caterpillar.
Addman: No...I think that's just a fat man.
Fort: I know that children can change their shape. Some came knocking at the cave in all sorts of shapes and forms.
Addman: That was Halloween, and I doubt that the kid had any aspirations to turn into a fat guy with sweat patches big enough to chloroform a whale.
Fort: Then let's confront him.

*Fort and Addman get up and walk over to the fat man*

Addman: Where's the child?
Fort: Yeah, talk or we'll superglue your nostrils to your eyelids.
Fat Man: That kid was in my seat, so I threw her off the plane.
Addman: You did what?!
Fort: Oh my god, do you think Jebus will notice?
Addman: Children always land on their feet, right?
Fort: Even if they did, I doubt they would from 33,000 feet.
Addman:...really? We're that high?
Fort: Yeah, it says so on that TV over there.

*The pair get distracted and start watching the flight path on the TV, until a familiar giggling noise comes from under the fat mans seat. Melody crawls out from underneath the chair, brushing aside a pile of used cans, crisp packets, and other rubbish.*

Addman: The kid!
Fort: I thought you threw her off the plane.
Fat Man: I thought that was a rubbish chute down there.
Fort: You sir, are an irresponsible babysitter!
Addman: Let's push him down the rubbish chute!

*They both bundle the fat man underneath his own chair until he gets stuck, then they get bored and go to sit on the other side of the plane*

[Fort]

Fort: Melody, stay here and make sure he doesn't come out ever again.

*Fort goes and sits beside Addman.*
Addman: I'm loving First Class here.
*Addman swings his legs in front of him with glee.*
Fort: Oooh.
*Fort kicks his legs in Front of him, but manages to whack the man in front instead.*
Fort: Oh for the love of- no one makes anything my size!
Addman: Fort?
Fort: Yes?
Addman: That was the Pilot.
Fort: Well that was very stupid of them to put us so close to the very sensitive core of our journey.
Co-Pilot: Ooooh. Umm....that's okay Boys, would you mind pulling back the curtain while I err....have my way with the body?
Addman: Eeek!
Fort: He's not dead is he?!
Co-Pilot: He's not? Well that makes me feel a whole lot better! Now will you please close the Curtains!
*Addman quickly pulls the Curtains together.*
Addman: I'm going to be SO glad when we'll only have Net to contend with.
Fort: Oh I don't know. The Necrophiliacs here are so endearing. Can we keep one?
Addman: Well...I don't know...are you a responsible adult?
Fort: That's a stupid question.
Addman: I guess you can't have your very own Necrophiliac then.
Fort: Oh come on! You got the demonic being!
Addman: I get you?
Fort: NO! The Child!
Addman: I'm not taking responsibility for that sticky thing!
Fort: She's only sticky because you're currently smearing honey over her.
*Addman suddenly quits his smearing.*
Addman: No I amn't!
Fort: You were!
Addman: Lies! Filthy lies! Now, where's the Bear Pit on this plane?
Fort: Your sending her into a Bear Pit?! WHAT has come over you!
Addman: Perfectly legitimate Gambiling Ideas!
Fort: No, no, no, no, child murder is not legitimate gambiling.
Addman: Except in Texas.
Fort: Except in Texas, however, you're going to kill the daughter of a vengefull god?
Addman: Myyeh. I figured since she was the daughter of Jebusl, she's Immortal, or had laser eye vision.
Fort: The Fruit of Gods' Loins have Superpowers?
Addman: Yeah! See Superman, he was the Second Comming!
Fort: I'll take your word for that.
Addman: So. In with my "get rich quick" scheme?
Fort: Sure. There must be a Bear Pit! After all, we're in First class ain't we?
*Fort politey opens a bit of the Curtains.*
Fort: Excuse me Sir, is there a Bear Pit here?
Co-Pilot: OOOOH! THE BODIES STILL WARM!
Fort: AIIEEEEEEEE!
*Fort Cellotapes us the Curtain*
Fort: My eyes are bleeding!
Addman: Where did the Cellotape come from?
Fort: Plot Hole.
Addman: Are you sure you should leave such a gaping Plot Hole Open?
Fort: It can be fixed!
Addman: How?
Fort: We never speak of it again.
Addman: Good plan. Now, I'm going to ask this Nurse over here where the Bear-pit is.
Fort: That's not a Nurse, Addman. That's a Stewardness.
Addman: Nurse! Nurse! Hello!
Fort: Stewardess!
*Stewardess walks over.*
Addman: Ahh. Good Good. Now, I want 14 CCs of Morphine and 10 CCs of Mouse blood.
Fort: Forget him. What we really want to know is where the Bear Pit is.
Addman: Yes. 14 CCs of Bear Pit as well.
*Stewardess points down to bottom of plane.*
Stweardess: Just down there, Sirs.
Addman: Wait...we have to give up our seats?!
Fort: Oh they won't get taken. Don't worry, now let's go down to Third Class!
Stewardess: A little further that Third Class, Sirs.

*Fort and Addman walk down the plane, and find them selves in the luggage compartment, complete with lots of people, a Bear Pit, and a Brothel.*

Addman: What a stupid place to put a Bear Pit!
Fort: A Plane?
Addman: Luggage Class! I shan't be recomending this to high class and highly improvished freinds!
Fort: Can we take a look at the Brothel.
Addman: No.
Fort: Awwww....
Addman: No. You have some class.
Fort: Really?
Addman: No. Not really.
Fort: So why can't I?
Addman: Because I want you to be a luckless virgin all your life, it makes me look good when I stand beside you in comparison.
Fort: Except for the fact your shorter.
Addman: That can be fixed.
Fort: What?
Addman: Nothing. Now help me haul this sticky Child into the Bear Pit.
*Fort and Addman put Melody into the Arena with a big brown bear.*
Fort: That Bear is going to eat her.
Addman: Didn't you hear what I said about Superhero powers?!
Fort: She is a small sticky child who isn't able to make sense of reality. If she has any, she can't use them, in my opinion.
Addman: Haven't you seen the movies? The Good Guys always win! It's fullproof!
Fort: We're not the good guys.
Addman: Ahh, but over the wall here, we're more holy. Plus we don't sucumb to our basic urges.
Fort: Like eating and drinking.
Addman: Indeed, like eating and drinking.
Fort: We had Ice Creams, and we got something at that Yak'sButts though.
Addman: The Ice-cream tasted really poor and the Yak is the male of the species.
Fort: B-b-b-ut...all that Yaks Milk!
Addman: Look it up on Wikipedia if you want.
Fort: OH GODS!
Addman: Indeed.
Fort: I had Coffee with authentic Yak's Milk!
Addman: Yep.
Fort: ARGHHH! OH GODS! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!
Addman: Mainly through the Mirth of the situation.
Fort: But...all those Monks drink it!
Addman: Mmmhmmm.
Fort: OH GAWDS!!!!!
*A burly man comes up behind the two.*
Burly Man: Making bets, boys?
Addman: Put everything on the Girl.
Fort: Eh? NO!
*Burly man gives Addman a bunch of confetti.*
Burly man: Here's your tickets, hand them in at the desk to collect your money.

[addman]

((Let's try and get this to 10 pages))

*Addman carried his mass of tickets over to the viewing area of the Bear Pit to watch the action.*

Fort: She's going to die...
Addman: Don't be so pessimistic, she's a cert, trust me.
Fort: Her odds are 10000/1.
Addman: That means we'll be instant millionaires when she wins.
Fort: You run a bookmakers and you make stupid bets like these?
Addman: Just watch.

*The fight starts, but in lieu of a bell, the round commences with the sound of one of the other patrons banging a klaxon on an elderly lady, as is the custom of this particular Bear Fighting Pit (tm). The fight starts and the bear picks Melody up with it's front paws, then proceeds to throw her across the arena*

Addman: I can't watch!
Fort: I thought you liked gore.
Addman: Not when my money's on the line, my precious money!

*The bear picks up the child and squeezes it tight in a bear hug (how cliche)*

Addman: Stop the fight! Won't somebody stop the fight?
Punter: Fight fight fight fight!
Fort: Have you no dignity? Chanting like that whilst a young girl's life is in danger!
Addman: Yeah! Some of us are losing money on this, you jerk!

*Addman punches the punter into the pit, who lands on the Bear and knocks it unconcious*

Announcer: The little girl wins by default!
Addman: YES! OH MY GOD! Fort! I'm rich, RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!
Fort: You mean we're rich?
Addman: No, just me. I didn't buy any tickets for you.
Fort: Well according to paragraph 13 of the AoC, should the SiC suddenly come into a lot of money involving a bear...and...a girl...and a pit...the headmaster get's half...no...all of the money.
Addman: You're just making this up!
Fort: No...
Addman: Really? Well I guess I'd better pay you half of it as a bribe to ignore the rules.
Fort: OK!

*The pair go up and collect their winnings, then they spend the next ten minutes rolling around in their new found wealth*

Addman: Man this is great!
Fort: I can finally afford new shoes!
Addman: Fort, we can afford diamond-encrusted, caviar-flavoured, gold-and-pixie-dust-sprinkled, one-of-a-kind shoes!
Fort: High heeled?
Addman:...Sure, you can be an eccentric millionaire!
Fort: Maybe we should get that demon child back.
Addman: Hey, she's gone, and so's the bear.
Tannoy: Attention passengers, due to a bear and child related incident, we have to abandon this flight. Please proceed to the emergency exits
Fort: Oh god, what's happened now?

*Fort and Addman barge past an air stewardess who was pointing out the emergency exits through the medium of mime whilst grinning profusely despite the danger, and they enter the main cabin to see Melody facing down the bear, but something had changed*

Fort: The kids on fire!
Addman: What's going on?

*Melody turns around to Fort and Addman, her eyes were alight with the fires of hades, burning brightly in her relentless gazes. Giving them both a sinister smirk, she raised her hands to her sides and commanded the flames to circle her body, as though she were in full control of the burning element which engulfed her. Turning back to the bear, she simply held out her hand and the bear caught alight in an instant*

Fort: Why didn't she do that earlier? She must have Jebus powers afterall.
Addman: Don't let her burn the money!

*A fireball is sent towards the money*

Addman: MY MONEY!
Fort: NOOOOOOOO!
Addman: I'll kill that kid!
Fort: The plane is on fire, we'd better jump off.
Addman: DIE!
Fort: Addman come on!

*Fort pushes Addman out of the plane as he prepared to attack Melody, then jumps out himself. Moments later the plane explodes into a million pieces*

Fort: That was close.
Addman: My money!
Fort: Brace yourself, we're gonna hit the water!
Addman: My money!

*Addman bellyflops into the sea creating a tidal wave which almost drowned a pigmy civilisation a couple of miles away. Fort does a triple backflip somersault and enters the water gracefully like a professional diver. They both wake up on some rocks in the ocean, washed up, with Melody beside them, who appeared to have turned back to normal. Upon further inspection, Fort and Addman recognise this as the rocks where Jebus lives.*

Jebus: What the hell happened to you guys?

((Note: Jebus doesn't have any powers, it's pure coincidence (and randomosity) that Melody does. Perhaps Jebus isn't her real father...DUN DUN DUNNNN))