Ask Ace

LordPsycho · Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 6:28 pm Post subject:

Dear Ace,

I've have a slight "pest" problem in my Dojo. Appearently, some horse is trying to start a cult, and non of the normal bug sprays are working. What Insecticide do you recommend for getting rid of cultish folks?

Buggin Out,
Dau'Pay

Netdroid9 · Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 11:04 pm Post subject:

Dear Ace

I tried your advise, and my doctor stopped giving me Viagra! Look what's happened!

*Explicit picture enclosed*

Your truely, Ne-Horny Devil <.< >.>

addman · Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 3:27 am Post subject:

Dear Fort,

Have you considered a life of celebacy?

~Ace

Dear Dau'Pay

I can't claim to be an expert on bugs, but my ship became infested with cockroaches once. I simply shut all of the air tight doors in my cockpit and blasted them out into space.

However, this action may be a little extreme in your case, and you'd be accused of mass murder. I would recommend starting a major neighbourhood campaign to make the cult move out of your area instead.

~Ace

Dear Ne-Horny Devil,

What is this?! Some sort of seeing eye picture? It's hideous, and I can barely make it out! I don't think purple is a very flattering colour either, and I'm pretty sure they shouldn't curl round in a boomerang shape!

Why did you have to send me a picture? Are you one of these nutjobs who keeps a back catalouge of his stool samples over the last three years or something? With little notes on consistency and everything!

Seriously, I think you need some plastic surgery or something. Get to a doctor IMMEDIATELY!

~Ace

Cloud · Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 3:50 am Post subject:

Dear Ace,

Why is it I have this reoccuring dream that I can fly? When I awake the dream seems so real I always get to the highest point I can find and jump. This always ends in me plummeting to my death, thankfully someone anticipates my jumping off tall places and leaves a trampoline at the bottom.

How do I stop having these dreams? Do they mean something?

~Cloud

Netdroid9 · Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 6:34 am Post subject:

Dear Ace

Your advice has helped me tremendously! Now I'm considered a god of my art! Some say I'm even better than you Wink

.

~Horny Devil.

addman · Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 7:52 am Post subject:

Dear Cloud,

I wouldn't have much experience of this, as most of my dreams involve a bevvy of beauties wrestling in a vat of cookie dough.

As with most common dream themes, falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life. This may reflect the way you feel in your relationship or in your work environment.

The only way to stop these types of dreams is to figure out what exactly it is that makes you feel this way. Are there any current dramas or eventsin your life currently where you feel you have a significant lack of control?

Alternatively, you are probably frightened of base jumping.

~Ace

Dear Horny Devil,

You claim to be "better" than me? Well sir, I would challenge you to prove it, if I could think of any situation in which this test could be performed in a safe, undebauched manner! The only thing I can do to defend my name is to post up some of these testimonials from my past encounters:

Sally: Who knew blue fur could be such a turn on!

Francesca: My time with Ace? I totally lost track of time, the days just merged together, and this was all in one session!

Janet: OH GOD YES!

Katie: The man knew the Ducksauce cover to cover, and even suggested several improvements!

Gary: I've been happily married to my wife for thirty years. I have two kids and a mortgage, it's just, someone like Ace can turn a guy's head! Shame he ignores my letters...

Ahem... well, I'm glad you're back in working order and that you've taken something away from this. It's just, if you ever call my title as World's Best Lay into question again, I shall send you some tapes which will make your toes curl.

~Ace

Netdroid9 · Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 11:59 pm Post subject:

Dear Ace

I shagged five nurses, three hitch-hikers and several of my former girlfriends on the way back from the surgeons office. All at once. Video enclosed.

~Horny Devil

addman · Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 1:48 am Post subject:

Dear Horny Devil,

How long did it take you to make that outdoor backdrop? Seriously, it looks great!

Oh and next time, try getting real people to play the other roles rather than yourself. This was like a one man show. The nurses all had the same moustache as you, and in some scenes, they were replaced with stuffed animals. I've never before seen Mr Potato Head in such a compromising position before either.

~Ace

Netdroid9 · Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 4:11 am Post subject:

Dear Ace

It's a cite bit better than your video. I downloaded it off the internet, I swear everyone in there had blue fur.

~Horny Devil

addman · Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 4:31 am Post subject:

Dear Horny Devil,

You probably watched my evil counterpart Addman, now leave me alone!

~Ace

Netdroid9 · Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 4:44 am Post subject:

Dear Ace

The same 'Addman' who keeps 'eating' your census papers? Riiiight. Feeling threatened? Perhaps we should make this official? Who's more attractive? A poll should do Wink

.

~Horny Devil (AKA: None other than your worst nemisis: ELMO! MUAHAHAHA!!!)

LordPsycho · Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 8:46 am Post subject:

((Net, Addman, can you tone it down from an R rating back to a PG 13))

Cloud · Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 11:18 am Post subject:

Dear Ace,

I keep getting your mail and it is highly disturbing.

P.S. There have been rumors that Elmo is your twin brother, he just had an accident with a red spray can. I would appreciate it if you would clear this up as I am highly interested.

~Bloke next door

Fort · Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 3:07 pm Post subject:

Dear Ace,

I tore my eyes out reading your agony aunt pages and watching the enclosed videos.

Can you recomend a way to burn the images of Nurses with moustaches and Mr. Potato Head's in provocitive positions out of my head?

Yours,
Fort.

addman · Posted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:59 am Post subject:

Dear Horny Elmo,

My actual arch nemesis is Dominar Torangis who resides over his bacon lair in Dimension 52. If you are writing to me simply to cause trouble, then I suggest you cease immediately. I have handed over your videos to the police, you shall be repremanded soon enough.

~Ace

Dear Sensei,

Apologies for the recent slip in quality control of this column. When my most prized ability is called into question, I feel I must defend my reputation from these young wannabes, and for that, I apologise once again. Rest assured that I have hired a new editor who will scrutinise every word written here and discern whether it is worthy for public viewing. Apparently, he came highly recommended by Eminem's publicist, so I can only assume that's a good thing.

~Ace

Dear Bloke Next Door,

You wrote into my advice column to ask why you were getting my mail, but I take it as a cry for help. Seeing as you were obviously too scared to leave the house and tell me this in person, I can assume that you are a shut in.

Taking that first step outside into the wide world can be a frightening thought, but with correct councilling and tutoring, this can be overcome. Don't be afraid to ask for help, as there are a lot of support workers who will do home visits for this type of thing. If you like, I could pop round to see if my general charisma will wash onto you and help you take those first brave steps outside. I would be willing to give you support old friend, don't be afraid to take it.

~Ace

Dear Fort,

Nice to see you are branching out in your line of questioning. Now then, the best way to erase your memory is to use a neuroliser (or flashy thingy). Make sure you have a friend to operate it, and ensure that he or she wears dark sunglasses. The first buttons is for days, the second is weeks, and the third is for years.

~Ace

I would just like to say, thanks for all your wonderful questions, it truly is an honour to help you sort out with your lives. Please send more in, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.