The Amazing Nit Picker

[addman]

Here's a little something I whipped up for 3kul's birthday. He said I should post it here for you guys to enjoy, so enjoy, or else the Nit Picker shall come for you too! Oh and, kudos to Panther for the picture, hope she doesn't mind me thieving it for this

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The Nitpicker

Good day to you, and welcome to Amazing Animals, the show which discovers and documents some of nature’s most curious creations. Today, we have a special treat for you, as we are about to bring you something that has never been caught of film before. Some of you may be aware of it, others may have even heard it’s terrifying screech, but today you shall be among the first to see, Pedanticus Obsessicus, or, as the science community have affectionately dubbed it, The Nit Picker.

This creature’s behaviour has baffled our boffins down at Amazing Animals HQ for the last few weeks, for you see Pedanticus Obsessicus has earned its nickname for the precise reasons you would expect, it loves nothing more than to scour around for any mistakes or discrepancies it can find, in any medium. So far, we’ve seen it pour over books, films, and video games, shrieking its obligatory “SKREEEEE!” sound whenever it comes across an anomaly.

Where does this exotic creature live? You might be surprised when you realise just how close to home the Nit Picker actually is. Have you ever been down to your local library and seen how deserted the very back section is? This is the area where the Nit Picker reigns supreme, scouring the vicinity for discarded Manga comics to point out all of the physical inaccuracies between the comic and the laws of nature. Despite this close proximity to civilisation, the Nit Picker is very elusive and has only ever been sighted at dusk so far, but today, we intend to catch one on camera, in the flesh.

Using our superior technology (A Samsung 2.5 Megapixel Digital Camcorder with a torch taped to it), we have made camp on the back aisles of Chesterfield Library, in hope that we may discover something incredible about this remarkable critter. We are hoping to lure it out of hiding using a monitor with the Wikipedia website loaded up. If we know the Nit Picker like we believe we do, it will enjoy pouring over the countless factual errors submitted by the site’s more dim-witted users, so tonight, we may receive some brilliant footage of the creature in its natural habitat.




What’s that? Something just moved! Over there in the shadows, looks like a mound of twitching spaghetti. Over it comes, yes it is definitely the Nit Picker. Check out all those tweezer-esque appendages sprouting out from every conceivable space on its body. I can count, at least six legs, and five or six failing arms with pincers attached. I bet if you pushed it down a hill, it would take hours for it to untangle itself fully. It’s purple pigment is quite striking against the unearthly glow of our Batman torch, or maybe that’s because of the purple light filter, I’m not sure.

Now it appears to have spotted the screen. The Nit Picker is looking at the monitor and smiling in a sinister manner, obviously Wikipedia is well known amongst its tribe for being a great source of errors. Now, it has begun to type, searching through the website for any grammatical mistakes or anything it knows is erroneous. Crikey, it’s uncovered an article on leet-speak! It’ll probably be here for a good few hours!

“SKREE! SKREEEE!”

What’s this? Another Nit Picker has arrived! So far, we’ve only documented one Nit Picker at a time; maybe the article is so bad that it’ll require two of them to make the appropriate changes. Over it comes, a somewhat rounder Nit Picker, slightly smaller, with a lighter body pigment than the first one and curled eyelashes. I think it’s safe to say that we have finally met the female of the species due to those attributes. Well, those, and the heaving bosoms. What an amazing find this is, this is just one of the many new discoveries we’ve made in the field of Nit Pickers! We’re going to be rich! RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS! Ahem.

The female has approached the console, now they are pouring over the article with the type of vigour only seen by obese people in a jelly eating championship, limbs flailing and quivering in every direction you’ve ever imagined, and more! The pair’s excitement is building as they correct each mistake, an audio cocktail of key tapping and SKREEEEEing the likes of which have never been heard before by human ears.

It appears as though they have been distracted by each other, their expressions lustful and erotic. Wait, they’ve stopped typing, and the male is stood upon his hind legs, waving his tendrils around in a hypnotising ballad. Are we the very first to witness The Nit Picker’s mating dance? Obviously, the amount of nit picking has excited them to extraordinary levels, and now they are ready to begin courtship. The female seems impressed, and now she is starting to mimic the dance. The pair are coming together slowly, until their appendages wrap around each other like a yearning bear trap, grinding slowly to the bass of a Barry White song one them just downloaded onto the PC nearby. Downloaded ILLEGALLY might I add!

Mere minutes into mating, the pair separate. She looks slightly disgruntled as the male turns over and relaxes on his back. Where did he get that cigarette from? Damn, cigarette smoke makes me sneeze….Ah….ACHOOO!

I think they heard me, the Nit Pickers have stood up again and are looking this way! We’ve been discovered, quick, Barry, Scott, get the equipment and let’s get out of here – ARRRRGGGHHH! MY PRECIOUS TONSILS!

SKREEEEEEEEEEE!

[Fort]

ROFL! Classic.

[Panther385]

((Heh, a riot, especially when the Nitpicker discovered the article on leet-speak. I just might draw that. ))