Ask Ace

addman · Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:28 pm Post subject: Ask Ace

Bong Thang my fellow Dojoians. Welcome to Ask Ace!

Since the success of my recent self help guide to relationships and love entitled "Dating: Dos, Don'ts, and Diagrams", many of my legions of fans have strongly requested that I solve their love related woes.

The response has been so overwhelming, I decided it was time to teach the masses about what they are doing right and wrong and start my own Advice Column. And since Blackstar is filled with the most socially awkward freaks around, I decided that my services would be more desperately needed here than anywhere else.

Feel free to post your relationship problems, hang ups, or pleas for advice here, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

~Ace

LordPsycho · Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:46 pm Post subject:

*Ace automatically get's mauled for using the "f" word to describe Dojodian persons*

Fort · Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:49 pm Post subject:

Freaks? Fans? Free?

...actually...knowing The Sensei...it was probably free...

Somefreakoverthere · Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:33 am Post subject:

*follows the sensi's exsample and wraps her hands around aces throat and begins to try and rip off his head*

Don't.ever.call.us.FREAKS!

*pulls harder*

3kul · Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 3:30 am Post subject:

*looks at the wide variety of demons, spirits, aliens, monsters, businessmen and various other members*

I'm struggling to think of a term that would better apply to us other than freaks... Razz

I'd do a love problem thingy, but it's not the kind of thing my characters have really... *points to the rather emotionless HollowEyes and the unapproachable Little Sister*

Sephirothsicase · Blue Spider Old Friend Evil Council Member Posts: 1354

Alright, Allow me to start off.

Dear Ace

I have a problem, It seems that someone, i dont know who, but all i know is they have signed the letters they sent me with a horse print, charred edges of paper and the letter "E", it seems that she or he has started up a "Sexy Seph" fanclub of sorts, i am being followed by fanatical females and it disturbs me greatly.

I got another letter this morning by someone going of the name of "Fort", it appears that this female wishes to have my babies.

Now, As any normal human male would find this flattering, i find it deply disturbing, what do I do Ace?

~Seph~

addman · Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 4:24 am Post subject:

*Ace bats off the various hands around his throat, then sits down to write a response*

Dear Seph,

Speaking from personal experience, I know it can often be troublesome when legions of adoring fans actively persue you. I can barely go down to the nearest grocery store without being swamped by scores of unwanted adoration from the local ladies. Of course, I don't mind the attention from the sexy ones, but the others just annoy me.

Anyway, I've found that my dimension jumping spaceship comes in handy in these times, I simply do my shopping in a previously unknown dimension every time to avoid the screaming masses. Seeing as I doubt you have one of these ships, I suggest that you selectively handpick the best of your fanclub, and run away to a foreign country with them, perhaps even a desert island. That way, you can be surrounded by only the cream of the crop!

If you don't have the money/resources to move, I'd do a little detective work. By the sounds of things, those letters you've been sent hold plenty of clues as to who is starting this movement. Once you've figured out who the culprit is, you could always get a restraining order. Worked for me when Addman attempted to break into my ship and steal my Lust Dust.

~Ace

P.S. Fort? I swear I saw someone of that name performing a rendition of Swan Lake in a town square once.

Fort · Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:21 am Post subject:

Dear Ace,

I am part of the Sexy Seph fanclub, and he never answers any of my letters I send to him, I've even gone so far to doing swan lake in a Tutu to get his attention, and yet it has all failed. How do I get Seph to notice me, and if possible, use me as a maternity unit?

Yours,
Fort.

addman · Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:04 am Post subject:

Dear Fort,

I thought you were guy! Anyway, I believe you have already been sending him letters and, to put it bluntly, you are freaking him out! Try to tone it down a bit, nobody likes a desperate person.

You have to learn to be more casual. If you see him in public, strike up a normal conversation, ask him about his interests, anything as long as you don't come across as a desperate lonely weirdo. And for god's sake, stop the freakin' ballet!

If you can get him to talk about himself, make interested comments and try and relate his experiences to your own. This type of rappor will hopefully make him realise just how much you have in common (often this is an illusion, but don't let him know that). Take things slow, as he thinks you are a complete loon at the moment it may take a while to erase all of the negative connotations he has with you, so expect anything straight away. You may have to meet up with him a few times, then try and secure that all important first date. For more information, buy my self help book "Your hidden signals: What your body says about you!"

If this doesn't help, I've done just about all I can with bringing you into civilized society without coming and spending time with you, which I am certainly not prepared to do in your case. Maybe you should go and roll around in some beans whilst wearing your grandma's pants, you freaky nutcase!

~Ace

Sephirothsicase · Blue Spider Old Friend Evil Council Member Posts: 1354

Dear Ace

I tried to ignore him, but i just got these tapes of Swan lake, they look slightly old from the date, the postman takes a while to get through The Midian Crypts, he is as gracefull as a plate full of jelly after a Stag Night, he later approached me and started asking me about the size of cond-ons or something as such, I wasnt really paying attention.

Is there any real way to get this person to leave me alone? I cannot go to a different dimension due to the fact that i am still earthed to this world for another few decades, bit of fine print in the Midian section, i would do anything to get him to leave me alone, i have even set hidden Bear Traps outside my Crypt, what shall I do?

~Seph

Netdroid9 · Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 8:25 am Post subject:

Dear Ace

I'm addicted to viagra! What should I do?

~Horny Devil

Fort · Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 12:45 pm Post subject:

Dear Ace,

I took your advice and tried acting like a normal person, I even got a job as a postman! I was Trying to strike up a normal conversation with him like you said, about Genitalia related items. But it failed, and I think he
wants to see me again. Am I doing something wrong?

Fort.

Leporidae · Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 1:09 pm Post subject:

Mew Ace,

Mew mew mew mew mew. Mew mew mew mew! Mew mew mew mew? Mew mew mew mew. Mew mew mew! Mew mew. Mew mew mew mew mew, mew mew mew mew?

Mew,
Kooki

addman · Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 1:36 pm Post subject:

Dear Seph,

Perhaps, if you are really desperate to repell this person, you should try making yourself out to be, in actual fact, a very poor catch. Stop showering, grow a beard, and try rubbing cornflakes into it for effect. Do not use deoderant or anything like that, and wear your most slovenly clothes.

If you see the person in public, tell them you enjoy eating orphans, or that you are gay. If the person is a boy, tell them your straight. Anything to put them off.

~Ace

Dear Horny Devil,

Is the viagra prescribed? I can't say I've ever had any problems in that department myself and can usually stay aloft for over 12 hours at a time, but I understand that these problems can befall even the most provoctive man at times (except me Smile

).

Regardless, Viagra has been known to cause heart problems and hideous stretching if you abuse it, which you claim to be doing. At the moment, there are no drug clinics specialising in Viagra related problems, so I would inform your doctor, who would probably prescribe you less viagra and help to wean you off it.

~Ace

Dear Fort,

I think it's high time you took a hint. The object of your affection obviously doesn't enjoy your advances, but that doesn't mean your like a hideous, lanky, stag horned freak or anything. I'm sure there would be plenty of reindeer out there who would give their right hoof to polish your antlers for you. it's just a case of finding someone you are compatible with.

There was this girl who kept writing me letters a few years back, sending me underwear through the mail and writing provocative messages and such. Unfortunately, she was slightly a little uglier than what I usually go for, so I rejected her. She heeded my advice and sought love elsewhere, last I heard she'd just finished a hit American sitcom and gotten divorced from Brad Pitt or some other lesser male. So it just goes to show, you can still lead a full life, even if your first crush doesn't work out.

~Ace

Dear Kooki,

WOOF! Wink

~Ace

Fort · Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 2:25 pm Post subject:

Dear Ace,

I tried again, this time I set my sights a little lower, I tried talking to a smelly old tramp with cornflakes in his beard.
When I approached him, he seemed to recognise me, or was the impression I got from him as he threw stuff at me and tried to run away.
Perhaps there is something I'm not getting right? Do I have a silly walk? Perhaps I should chop my legs off?

Yours,
Fort.