The Wall 2: In Space!

[Fort]

Maurice Steel, fearsome, charasmatic and ruggedly handsome bounty hunter walked the Space Station that orbited the moon of Syphilis Prime like a fox.
Today was an important day, today he was going to kill a dangerous and repulsive fat cat of the Inter-stellar Mafia.

With a turn on his swift, Bounty Hunter legs Steel crept slowly down a metal-lined alleyway.
"Creep in shadows, " whispered Steel, "keep to wall, stomach in, gun out, saftey off, small tip toe steps, fall over trash-can - OH BUGGER!"
With a terrible loud crashing noise, the contents of bio-degradable low-gravity space debris scattered everywhere, knocking Maurice Steel off his "supposed" swift feet.

Like a fox he shot up from the ground, he sure that the enemy had heard the noise, and opted for charging the remaining way through the door, gun held up high before him and ready to shoot the bodyguards who were - already dead.

Maurice Steel paused for thought. Like a fox.
"Blahh?" he uttered in the cursed tounge of the Remellions, which in the most basic form of English was a swear word that involved as many hands and breasts as infanitely possible kept in the same room.
Now completely unsure of himself, Maurice Steel crept into a metalic room filled with crates, guns and fine silks from the seven seas of the milky way - all completely illicit of course.
And there...on the ground was the body of the mobster he was supposed to kill, gaunt, blondish, white as a sheet and dead...
"WHAT THE HELL!?" shouted Steel as a blue ball of goop slowly digested away the remmenants of the mobsters skull to get at his succulant brain.
"Taste like chicken..." he could hear those cold dead lips mumble slightly in a half-slurred speech.

Maurice Steel could very well have thrown up in his helmet, like a fox. But he knew the concequences of doing that in a head-covering visor from experiances long past, he wans't going to fall for it again.

[addman]

Extending his moist, pliable appendages into the cerebral cortex was one of the most pleasurable sensations that a member of his species could possibly hope to experience. For a human to experience joy on a level comparable to this, one would have to leap out of plane with no parachute whatsoever, only to land safely in a custard jacuzzi in the Playboy Mansion.

Xixitinthix was a creature of simple pleasures, simple drives, simple...simpleness. As a brain slug, there isn't much else to look forward to except slurping down an extra helping of frontal lobe whilst kicking back and watching the world go by through the drooping, decaying eyes of the delapidated host. Unfortunately, the humanoid lifeforms of the galaxy did not understand the joyous sensations of such an act, and tended to become slightly tempermental at the slightest suggestion. Xixitinthix and his species tended to stay away from the public eye, in the Roxin Asteroid Belt, where they snared weary space travellers who were foolish enough to stop at signs saying "PARK HERE FOR FREE SEX".

So what in Blargon was he doing on Syphilis Prime? The fact is, he had no recolletion of arriving there. His last host had been a drunken stowaway aboard one of the parked vessels, and the next thing he knew he'd ended up here, on a space station. Feeling slightly hungover and needing some nourishment, he'd slithered through an air vent and found a rather podgy businessman. Better than eggs and bacon any day of the week.

"Hey, do you always barge in on folks at breakfast time?" Xixitinthix murmured as he began to take control of the mafia man, hulking his frame awkwardly to his feet, and swaying from side to side. It took a moment for him to figure out the controls, but Xixitinthix touched the spot which controlled the arms, making them flail around like two excitable dog tails upon meeting their owner. They then returned limply to their sides once again.

"What are you doing here?" The parasite questioned through his host, wondering whether he should kill the intruder in case he intended to tell the on board security force.

[Iman al-Rashid ibn Aali]

((Any suggestions on how an assassin from 12th Century Israel could end up on a space station orbiting a world named after an STD would be greatly appreciated. ))

[LordPsycho]

((Psychotopian Warp Portal Tech - gotta love it!))

[addman]

[Cloud]

Captain Bluebeard, sporting a very large yellow beard, was on his way to deliver a crate of... suspicious things best left unmentioned. His steed, Princess Buttons was 10 minutes away from the planet of Syphilis Prime. A womans voice broke the monotony of Captain Bluebeard's attempt at tying his shoe laces.

"We are 10 minutes from Syphilis...*crackle*"
Bluebeard stopped his fumbling and looked up in alarm. "10 minutes from Syphilis? I didn't even know I was currently engaged in any mating ritual to contract this disease..." He broke off as he pondered whether this was some sort of virtual reality and he really was doing illicit activities with some unknown entity. It wouldn't be the first time. After checking his groin just in case he walked down the brightly lit corridors of Princess Buttons, making his way to the automatic shoe tying machine.

"Princess Buttons, what did you say earlier? Your message gave me quite a fright," Captain Bluebeard asked somewhat shakily.
"We are 6 minutes out from Syphilis Prime Captain," the cool female voice replied.
"Phew, that's a relief," Bluebeard said as the shoe tying machine whirred into action. He always hated this machine because it unnecessarily spun a large quantity of knives around his feet. Why it did this was beyond Bluebeard's comprehension, but he had to look smart for his delivery. After all he didn't want to end up in a tank full of Grinning Grooples, a very dangerous substance that left the victim soulless...or was it soleless? He couldn't quite remember. Either way it sounded pretty bad.

"Please make your way to the Tank of Ultimate Destruction," the female voice echoed off the small room.

[Fort]

Steel paused for a thought, watching the dead mobster with fearful intent.

Steel: Well...I was sent here to kill you.
Xixitinthix: Kill ME?
Steel: Well, yeah but...are you already dead?

Xixitinthix used his host's eyes to look about shiftily. One eye now slightly damaged from Slug acid, revolved the entire 360 degrees.

Xixitinthix: Well I don't think so.
Steel: Oh, that's great then!

Steel proceeds to shoot the Mobster twice directly in the stomach. Throwing the mafia body back across the wall like a rag doll from the force of illegally modded phazer fire. The Bounty Hunter sighed with happiness, another job well done with the most minimum of slip-ups.
Then it all went a bit funny.

******

Colonel Greeves stood atop a derelict internet tower, when Obeseband came along, Broadband towers across the galaxy had shut down, giving the Colonel and his peacekeepers a perfect derelict vantage-point upon this yet-to-be renovated piece of government equipment. The Colonel lowered his binoculars slowly, licking his lips in a rugged military figure way of achievement. It was the most emotion he'd displayed in a while.

Colonel Greeves: Get a match on that man who entered the mobster hideout, man!

A not-so rugged but owlish looking Peacekeeper of the Colonel's squad looked up and smiled.

Owlish Peacekeeper: Oh I know him, Sir! He's in all the glamour magazines; he's the most stylish bounty hunter in Syphilis! Maurice Steel!
Colonel Greeves: I won't ask why you read glamour magazines.

The Colonel eyed the Owlish corporal with suspicion, especially his wonderfully manicured fingers, but chose to ignore his suspicions.

Colonel Greeves: But a Bounty Hunter? No doubt making nefarious deals with the Mobster then...probably trying to assassinate a member of congress.
Owlish Peacekeeper: That's a rather hasty conclusion, Sir.
Colonel Greeves: I'm the one with the fine medals here, man! And don't you forget it!
Owlish Peacekeeper: You've only got one medal, and that's for sending letters back home to your family that gave troop movements and strategic information, allowing for this new regime we're under to take over.
Colonel Greeves: I'm taking a squad of men down there; we're taking them out!

****

Maurice Steel began to browse the Mobsters stock with a gleeful interest, it wasn't healthy in a profession of his calibre to hang around for too long, but how else would he get such fine silks? He was after all, the most glamorous Bounty Hunter in all of Syphilis.

Suddenly a huge metallic voice erupted from nowhere!

Voice: THIS IS COLONEL GREEVES OF THE SYPHILIS PEACEKEEPERS.

Steel immediately dropped the fine baby blue silks of illicit import immediately, looking around in fear. Running towards the top-most grill on the west wall, he spotted armoured millitary-esqe vehicles and many, many leather boots.

Steel put his mouth to the grill and shouted out towards the crowd of peacekeepers.

Steel: THE SYPHILIS POLICE?
Greeves: NO! PEACEKEEPRS!
Steel: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE POLICE!
Greeves: THE NAME WAS CHANGED BECAUSE THERE WERE TOO MANY JOKES ABOUT PROSTITUTION.

There was an awkward pause.

Steel: WHAT DO YOU WANT!
Greeves: WE WANT THE MAFIA MOBSTER EL' TELLEBRE TO SURRENDER - Hold a sec, I'll come to you.

There was an awkward shuffling as Colonel Greeves moved towards the grill and lay flat on his stomach, beginning to speak through it.

Greeves: We'd like the Mafia Mobster El' Tellebre to surrender and the Bounty Hunter Maurice Steel to die.
Steel: Sorry?
Greeves: Yeah, Bounty Hunting laws just got tougher; you suffer corporal punishment of the severest kind.
Steel: That hardly seems fair.
Greeves: Don't drop dead right now though, wait until we handcuff you then brutalize you with our Lightsaber-Batons.

There was more awkward silence.

Greeves: Hello? Hello? Heelllooo? Still there?

Greeves was speaking to empty air; Maurice was already on the other side of the room, stacking boxes in front of the door.

[Cirrial]

A safe distance away from Syphillis Prime, a red rift suddenly tears itself into space, allowing a large triangular-spoked device to gently move through it. The red rift then seals completely.

The device swivels its spokes around until a large empty triangle is formed, followed by a flash of blue and a large blackish shiny spacecraft with innumberable glowing blue ribs, tubes and markings flies through it. The blue triangle then dies away.

Onboard the ship, the Invincible This Time, We Swear, 501 looks at the viewscreen from the captain's chair.

"Well, it all looks in order. Course, no-one knows where the hell we are any more, but at least there's a planet nearby!"

One of the many hexapedal insectoid saa-kru at a control console looks at 501, their eyes a confused amber. "Why did we have to use a warp portal to drop a warp portal into this universe? Why couldn't we have just gone through the first one?"

501 rolls his eyes. His eyes being immobile, this translates to a roll of his head. "Oh, Ak-tse, you'll never make captain material! When you're the captain of a spaceship you have no time for such things as 'logic' and 'forethought'! You work with what you have, and live for the moment! And on that note, let's go check out that planet, before I start questioning whether or not it's a good idea!"

There is a joint "aye captain" among the saa-kru crew and the Invincible This Time, We Swear trundles amiably towards Syphilis Prime.

[3kul]

"Oh flarg man, it's the cops!"

Through the drain underneath the streets, a certain giant drug-dealing space-roach heard Colonel Greeves' message. Unfortunately he was too stupid to realize that they weren't after him, and began to flush his massive stash of drugs down his toilet and into the sub-sewers beneath the regular sewers.

There are only a few things that are worth knowing about this particular drug-dealing space-roach. The first is that his father was a drunk, and that his mother never loved him, so as the middle child in 5,609,784,302.7 children he felt too neglected to stay in his family home and left at age 26 seconds, and he hasn't been back for a full two days now. Most people would say that this is a stupidly short amount of time for one to decide that their life was so horrible that they must resort to drug dealing, but that's Shiz for you.

Oh yeah, that's the second thing - his name was Shiz, short for Shivizizler (one of the few children in his family to be named actually, due to his striking likeness to the space pop star by the same name (unfortunately it also happens to be a girl's name), whilst the rest of the brood were named 'Barry'), but that sounded too much like Sizzler's for his liking so he shortened it to Shiz. Shiz is a pretty cool name for a space drug dealer anyway.

The third and final thing is that he is the single worst drug dealer in the entire multiverse. He can't afford real drugs, but even if he could he'd be too scared that he'd buy them from an undercover cops, so instead he gets huge amounts of Earthen candy and passes it off as drugs. After buying a Wonka's worth of the sweet stuff, he spent all of his remaining money on getting a hypnotizer to fully convince him that this sweet stuff was really drugs. This way when he's selling candy to people as drugs, he's a little more believable with his shifty looks and long trenchcoats.

Today's stash was an ungodly amount of Skittles (6 jumbo value bags, worth almost $36), and his toilet was turning a bizarre rainbow colour as it became clogged with deliciousness. "Come on man, don't let me down now!" He whispered frantically, jamming a space-plunger in there to loosen the colourful clog (space-plungers are much better than normal ones). He liked to call Skittles 'Leprechaun Seeds', but he kept the original tagline - "taste the rainbow" sounded like one hell of a drug trip.

Once the last of the skittles were down the tube he began to flush his stash of 'Angel Spores', better known to most people as marshmallows (according the Shiz, you are meant to smoke them through a lead pipe that's been firmly lodged into your third ear). This was the last straw for his toilet, who activated it's self destruct sequence shortly before delivering him an epic kick to the groin (space toilets have legs, so that they may walk themselves to the plumbers if they get too clogged).

Now the groin of a space roach is incredibly hard to find (underneath his third elbow on his left side), so Shiz was as impressed as he was in excruciating pain. His toilet proceeded to blast itself out of the stratosphere (accidentally taking out a few peacekeepers as it went), leaving him sobbing in pain as he hunched over a large pile of delicious candy (which he believed to be the most illegal of narcotics).

[Goron40]

Norog the Pirate pulled out of hyperspace near Syphilis Prime along with his fleet of (2) pirate war ships. They had been recovered from the bottom of an ocean and were of 16th century make, and somehow, with only the addition of the Pylon Armadillo Reactor, Norog and his good friend Sneaker O' Tool had been able to create a fleet of Pirate Spaceships.

Sneaker: Pull over and ask for directions, Norog. We're lost.
Norog: We are not lost! And if I pull over then all of those cars we passed are going to get ahead of us.
Sneaker: Look here's a space station, you can go in and ask the man at the counter for directions.
Norog: ARRRRR!
Sneaker: ... That in no way responded to my question.
Norog: Sorry, it's a pirate thing... Alright I'll ask him... I just hope he speaks English. The immigrants they get to work these registers these days...

Norog pulled up to the edge of the space station and walked up on deck. He began speaking to the space station like a drive-thru, blissfully unaware of the army parked nearby,

Norog: YES. HELLO? I'D LIKE 3 CHICKEN VAJITAS PLEASE AND UH...
Sneaker: We're asking for directions! Wait, isn't that Colonel Greeves?
Norog: WHAT? GREEVES!

Colonel Greeves turned to look at the ships.

Greeves: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M A BIT BUSY NOW!
Norog: GREEVES IT'S ME NOROG! YOU USED TO BULLY ME IN HIGH SCHOOL! REMEMBER?
Greeves: I CAN'T SAY I DO.
Norog: WELL I CERTAINLY DO AN- oh for the love of god, let me move my ship a bit closer...

Norog's ship drifted lazily to the left, stopping close to Greeve's forces.

Norog: Right then, as I was saying, I'm a little ticked off that you bullied me in high school and now that I've found you, I'm going to kill you.
Greeves: What?! That hardly seems fair! I don't even know you!
Norog:Prepare to die.

Norog is about to tell his crew of midgets to fire various incendiaries at Greeves when a super sonic toilet comes rocketing from the city below and tears through his second ship, sending it plummeting down to the planet's surface.

Norog: ... Right then... How bout we call this one a draw?

[Cloud]

The alarms sounded throughout Princess Buttons.

"Woah, woah, woah, steady now," the good Captain said to his ship. I say good, but he's never fitted this criteria for over 1000 years, and even then he was susceptible to bouts of flushing someones head down the toilet. Speaking of toilets, one narrowly missed the Princess. Deciding he had to act Captain Bluebeard with the yellow beard ran towards the Tank of Ultimate Destruction, otherwise known in 'normal' terms as the Flarg Generator. He always liked to give his equipment cool, threatening names then spend all his money making sure that if anyone used his names he could freely punch them in the face and steal all their loot. He always liked that type of instrument...oh wait that's a lute isn't it. Captain Bluebeard with the yellow beard, that had suddenly turned an awful shade of red always got confused with words.

"Power up The Tank," Bluebeard said.
"Flarg Generator online," the female voice rang out.
"The what?"
"The Tank"
"Oh yeah, right"

Waiting patiently, Bluebeard had his hand hovered over the big red button ready to press it. As soon as the green, red, blue and yellow emergency lights came on it was party time. Bluebeard started to strut his funky stuff, then realised he hadn't pressed the button yet. The button came before the party, how could he forget.

Princess Buttons started towards the planet, strangely shifting in shape and size as it went down. Becoming more horse-like in shape, the ship started making strange neighing noises. Buildings could be clearly seen on the planet as a parachute came out of Princess Buttons' head.

"Captain, there is a ship on collision course"
"Hard left"
"If we go left we will be destroyed by the ship, rather than only being scraped by it"
"Up, go up"
"The ship is coming from that direction"
"Then do as you please, I don't have time to be second guessed. I'm trying to revolutionise dancing here"
"Arming the cannon"
"I didn't know we had a cannon"
"When I say cannon, I actually mean self destruct"
"Oooh, that sounds pretty cool"

Suddenly the parachute was released from Princess Buttons.

"And when I say self destruct I mean crash land on the planet and wait for the inevitable explosion"
"It's been an honour flying with you, Princess Buttons"
"And you, Captain Bluebeard"

[Cirrial]

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! DIEEEE! AAAAAHHH! EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES!"

501 flails and wails and runs around the bridge, screaming "THE BRIDGE THE BRIDGE THE BRIDGE IS ON FIRE OH GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE"

Ak-tse clamps his hand over his elongated face. "501, sir, the fire is on the VIEWSCREEN. WE'RE perfectly alright. Are you sure you know how to be captain?"

501 nods, looking perfectly calm, frozen into his last position. One arm was reaching for a button, the other for a level, and his legs seemed to be going in opposite directions.

"Yup. After all, I have the captain's hat! ...Somewhere. Can't remember where I left it."

A voice from a control panel shouts "YOU LEFT IT IN THE WARP CORE AND NEARLY KILLED US ALL!"

501 looks up. "Aaaahh, so that's why that happened. Remember that, crew! Nylon and warp cores don't mix! It's this kind of knowledge that makes you captain material!"

Ak-tse looks to the ceiling. Oh god kill me now. "Anyway, 501, sir, we narrowly avoided a strangely shaped rocket from a nearby space station. Do you suggest we return fire, or run like hell for what must be the seventh time in the last two hours?"

501, now seated in the captain's chair, dramatically stands up and points to the viewscreen. "We fight! Nobody lives forever!"

One of the crew mutters "Especially when you have this guy for a captain."

501 stares at the source of the voice. "Ohh, thinking of MUTINY, are we? Well, we'll just see how strong your urge to mutiny is after I subject you to a series of cruel and unusual punishments that will only further stoke the flames of rebellion among you or the rest of the crew!" He clicks his talons. "Take him... to the Pit of Acid That's Also On Fire And Also Has A Few Snakes And Spiders In It For Good Measure!"

There is a loud gasp from all the crew. The rebellious saa-kru starts gibbering. "But... but... It was all in good fun! I..."

Two large, bulky security robots smash through the door to the bridge, completely destroying the door in the process. An automated system carefully rebuilds the door for the twenty seventh time.

"COME WITH US!"
"I don't want to! You can't make me! I know my rights! I demand my phonecall!"

501 looks sinisterly. "But how can you make your phonecall... when there is no phone due to my incessant and somewhat dangerous financial cutbacks?!"

"NOOOO!"

The 'rebel' saa-kru is dragged kicking and screaming by the two security robots to a grim, albeit temporary, fate.

501 addresses the rest of the crew, pretending the last five minutes never happened. "Right, so, I believe I said 'fight'. Fire lasers at the space station until it explodes or someone shows up to kick our ass and we kick theirs instead because we're the underdogs who win! ...Or the villains who always lose. Not sure which yet. Too early to tell."

The Invincible This Time, We Swear fires a long blue beam of energy at the space station orbiting the moon of Syphilis Prime.

[Goron40]

((Honestly, I have no idea what's going on. This is awesome.))

[Fort]

((Heh, if Addman doesn't post by tonight I'll see if I can bring some understanding to the crazy chaos. ))

[addman]

Xixitinthix gazed around. He was sat upon his favourite asteroid (which he had affectionately named Clive) killing the time by squelching from one lump of rock, to another, adjacent lump of rock. This excitement could have gone on all day, if it wasn't for another Asteroid Storm, as plump, delectable brain stems decended on the asteroid, readily prepared on silver serving platters and adorned with his favourite garnish, brain juice.

One particulary scrumptious brain landed neatly several squelches in front of him. Rubbing his miniscule, salivating mandibles at the meal before him, he wormed his way across the rock, only to hit an invisible barrier. Suddenly, a terrifying explosion alerted his attention, and the brains began to slide out of view.

He sprung awake atop the head of the mafia boss he'd been consuming earlier. Looking around with those dead eyes, he spied the guy who burst in on him earlier, the man who'd shot him! Feeling rather pissed that his lovely dream was now over, and that someone would have the nerve to shoot him, he jerked the body into gear, lurching it from it's sprawled state against a wall and back to his feet.

Xixitinthix: Oi! Why did you shoot me?
Steel: Shh, there are...wait, aren't you dead?
Xixitinthix: No, I don't think so.
Steel: God dammit, why won't you stay dead?

Steel reaches for his gun, pointing it at Xixitinthix's body.

Xixitinthix: Woah woah woah, let's not do this again eh? I think we've established that isn't the correct method to kill me.
Steel: Damn, this is the only method they taught me in Assassin school.
Xixitinthix: You're an assassin?
Steel: Why do you sound so surprised?
Xixitinthix: Because you look like someone who won a competition for Mr Scrawny Universe. And then cried when he got the award.
Steel: Shut up! You'll never win an award like mine.
Xixitinthix: What was that?
Steel: Look, I may have use for you yet. We're surrounded by guards and I heard a loud skittle-like explosion outside, class five, most likely a toilet.
Xixitinthix: You can identify explosions?
Steel: My daddy used to be a bomb disposal expert, used to bring his work home with him.
Xixitinthix: What, emotional baggage?
Steel: No, Semtex. Used to give them to us as presents as toddlers. Anyway, I want you to go and clear all this up with the guards. Go outside and tell them your name is Maurice, they'll know you are all rich and powerful and will leave us alone.
Xixitinthix: Why can't you do it?
Steel: Because I'm not as handsome as you.
Xixitinthix: That's true! I'll go and inform them immediately!

Xixitinthix lurched forward unsteadily, still getting the hang of the controls. Honestly, human's and their central nervous systems were ridiculously complicated. After stumbling into a desk and blaming his poor driving on the gear box, he eventually reached the door and opened it. He was confronted by twenty armed guards holding Ionic Blasters straight at him.

Xixitinthix: My name is Maurice, I think you ought to leave.
Guards:...SEIZE HIM!
Xixitinthix: But, but, hey!
Guard: We got our man Greeves!
Xixitinthix: Hold on, I think there has been a mix up, let me just consort with my friend in here...wait, where'd he go?